The more real you get the more unreal the world gets.

I intend to write an article about Motivation - trouble is I can't be bothered………..

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

I have seen the truth - and it makes absolutely no sense.......

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one …..

Twitter is where I can say stuff that's none of my therapist's business.

Most of the questions I ask my cat are rhetorical.

Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.

My mother told me that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them......

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Regular naps prevent old age - especially if you take them while driving .

I surveyed 100 men and asked what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

No one can go back and change a bad beginning, but one can start anything, anytime and create a successful ending.

Sometimes you hit the point where you either change or self-destruct.

A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest.