just wanted to let everyone know i got laid and now he’s making me nachos #thefutureisfemale

i would totally understand people constantly stealing my packages if i was out here ordering valuable but at some point they have to realize the woman getting the cat water fountain and mothman headband isn’t buying the newest iphone in bulk

someone just came onto my porch NINETY SECONDS after i got an amazon delivery and stole two packages: - cat water fountain - bag of sweet potatoes hope he enjoys them

my fave part about working at a restaurant is that i’ll hand people a bill for $350 and they’ll ask me for bar recommendations as if i don’t just get a diet coke and grilled cheese from the dive bar up the street

i rotate between calling fig my cat vs my foster cat because he’s honestly a mix of both. he’s my friend’s cat and when she had to leave the country earlier this year, i immediately offered to house him for as long as needed, including caring for his health and safety. so when he got sick this week i was responsible for all his upfront medical costs, which are still expanding, otherwise they said to consider “end of life care” which is absolutely not a fucking option in my book. frodo and jiji love him and have been looking around the house for him since i took him to the ER 💔 (fig is in the carrier)