“Attention, Level 034 Residents: Would you rather meld with infinite space time and experience all lives in parallel until you’ve obtained an intimate knowledge and understanding of all things on an atomic level or double it and give it to the next person?”

“Attention, Gamma Tower Residents: We’ve temporarily tethered you to a mirror reality where everybody is evil and has a scary mustache. Some may die but all data gathered will allow us to tether you to scarier mustaches in the future.”

“Attention, Level 093 Subconscious Navigators: If you find yourself entombed in the labyrinth of your own regrets, remain calm and proceed as instructed. The Minotaur thrives on panic.”

“Attention, Zeta Tower Residents: Thanks to hybrid rights activists, pan fried mermaid sautéed in a creamy honeyed butter sauce and served over a bed of asparagus along with a glass of ‘34 Montreve Port will no longer be a delicious addition to this weekend’s menu.”

“Attention, Level 022 Residents: The veterinary clinic will only neuter your werewolves during the full moon. During the remaining lunar phases, please consult urology.”

“Attention, Level 090 Life-forcers: We appreciate the diligence of Gamma Tower’s whistleblowers. Those attempting to ‘put the romance back in necromancer’ have all been relocated to satellite stations.”

“Attention, Level 059 Test Group B: The bleeding is completely normal. Your organs are integrating with the bio-mods. Please allow 24 hours before filing a complaint with HR.”

“Attention, Arriving Science Pilgrims: If you decide to pull up carpets in your station quarters, you may find that previous occupants had covered up beautiful portals to dimensions beyond human comprehension.”

“Notice to Level 077 Perception Technicians: Subjects maintain custodial rights over memories prior to upload. Following integration at Archives Station, all recollections are irrevocably the property of the Council.”

“Attention, Gamma Tower Emergency Team: The antimatter containment breach has been attributed to antimatter’s persistent refusal to remain contained by things made of matter. Thoughts and prayers.”

“Attention, Mirrors Station: All kingdom classifications for specimens are nullified due to unstable morphology. Only psychological classifications are permitted in field research.”

“Attention, Level 022 K-5 Students: If your caregivers are Cortical Protocol test subjects, remember this mnemonic verse: Their teeth may fall out. Their eyes may fall in. Don’t breathe the same air if green covers skin.”

“Attention, Epsilon Tower: The fracturing ice deposits east of your position appear to be formed from frozen holy water. What this means for any abomination seeking to escape this entombment remains uncertain.”

“Attention, Beta Tower Residents: Remember, the future bends to your whim. This is most certainly not applicable to the poor fools infected with Temporal Loop Disorder. May they find peace in those 8.9 minutes.”

“Attention, Level 022 Residents: Please be advised that a safety concern has been identified involving a cauldron in the kitchen. The area is off-limits while dining staff address the situation.”

“Attention, Level 043 Mnemonic Engineers: Any individual experiencing residual identities or recollections of alternate selves is to report immediately for debriefing, or rebriefing, as applicable.”

“Attention, Level 040 Xenotheologians: The Eye of the Unknowable has opened once more. We await, with growing unease, the revelation of its chosen subject.”

“Attention, Level 008 Bosonic Strategists: A migration event has been detected within the tachyon field. As a downstream effect, future versions of staff are presently submitting HR grievances tied to your present behavior.”

“Attention, Gamma Tower Residents: Support systems are being destabilized due to the oxygen recall. Standard evacuation is not possible due to the transporter recall. Additional egress options are available if you recall the locations but they’re totally like super duper secret.”

“Attention, Level 060 Horizon Scouts: The perimeter of the observable universe is advancing towards your position. Further approach is ill-advised. Space itself refuses your proximity.”