@miserableflop

all your friends in one place

chicago ✶✶✶✶
Joined March 2024
wait let me fix my glasses!
9
5
1
715
59,014
jared retweeted
You ever look at your coworkers & be like this place just hires anybody
31
621
123
7,601
225,775
I don’t think you have a dog in this fight but if you did you would have shot it.
I’ll take @ellalangleymsic over Kacey Musgraves any day. And if I’m choosin’ Texas, I’ll take Ken Paxton over James Talarico.
1,103
8,286
788
60,879
687,014
When they discover a cure for blindness:
176
4,041
267
44,762
2,091,709
jared retweeted
Chicago will put a bike lane up your ass if you’re not careful
17
513
31
5,040
99,606
Guys, all the Kremlin bots got blown up, so Twitter has been restored to its factory settings and all that’s left is this Kelly Clarkson drama.
53
455
28
6,471
85,330
why do I suddenly feel grown up
22
412
jared retweeted
the stove showing up like it was a special guest…
41
904
201
9,736
367,026
(trying to groom an older man) you're so woke for your age
120
14,276
954
183,689
2,030,371
jared retweeted
Matty Healy was only 19 when he wrote robbers
Sir Isaac Newton was only 23 when he discovered the law of gravity.
2
597
30
2,866
31,714
jared retweeted
apple pay should cancel the transaction if i look sad during the face ID part
147
19,117
294
253,485
3,995,121
jared retweeted
Kelly inquired about buying molly
Brooklyn store that was publicly called out by Kelly Clarkson responds with a statement: “[Kelly] inquired about buying ‘Molly,’ a one-of-a-kind singing and dancing bird automaton who plays an important role in the magic shows we host here. Molly is permanently attached to the wall and isn't for sale. […] Imagine our surprise when our small local business was suddenly attacked by 8 million people who have never visited our store. It's been a surreal experience to be the focus of such widespread outrage after just one mention by a celebrity.”
7
143
5
3,846
52,951
jared retweeted
When I fail: worst pain imaginable that leads into an existential crisis that l might not ever recover from When I succeed: ok
14
2,593
60
17,987
145,152
sometimes sales associates are rude idk what to tell you girl
Cool, cool. Sure, it wasn’t for sale. That’s the narrative Art of Play is gonna go with 👍 so the whole conversation we had when I asked you if it was for sale whilst pointing to the price tag hanging on the wall with the title Singing Bird didn’t happen as you elevator eyed me saying in a condescending tone “yes, it’s for sale but it costs 15,000 dollars so if you’d like me to find something comparable for you I can.” That all never happened and now it’s not for sale. Okay, cool. So you’re not only rude, you’re also a liar. Got it ✅ And by the way, I obviously support small businesses because I was literally at a small business trying to purchase things. I love small businesses and know they are important and I always support them, but you don’t get a free pass to treat people less than in your store just because you are a small business. It’s not that hard to be kind. I never blast people but you my friend were an exception. Your store is really cool. Unfortunately, you aren’t.
1
1
32
1,434
my favorite part of doing dishes is when you get to jerk off the knives with a sponge
101
5,976
144
84,646
958,271
an ant just walked past my house
11
1,267
28
8,936
74,356
People in real life: Hello how are you
The real gag is WHO told white people they can listen to Kelela
17
530
14
15,709
257,342
i love when youre allowed to cook stuff with the saucepan lid on like bye 👋 i dont really like tweeting its more of a compulsion
29
4,183
84
32,491
295,013
jared retweeted
I have literally no memory of this lmao
Someone needs to explain how this was okayed by the same team that created the Lord of the Rings trilogy 😂😂😭
24
8
1,927
352,953
a decade later and still rings true
The inability of the left to distinguish between an imperfect ally and an enemy is the height of privilege and will be our downfall
78
11,783
59
121,509
1,277,938
'unbecoming' is such a good word. not only was that thing you did bad but it also made you less.
32
7,938
119
73,681
529,970