If a bird can poop in mid-air, why can't I?

Blankety blank is like blank. This comparison is supported by a first reason, a second reason, and a wacky third one!

I try not to plan out my birthdays too far in advance; I don't know, I kinda just play it by year

So far this has been one WET, HOT, AMERICAN SUMMER. I really shouldn't be living in the sewers

There's gotta be a better name for soccer... Shoeball maybe. Toesball? I don't know. We should get someone on it.

I wonder if Monopoly secretly owns all other board games...

Years and years of cancer research has finally paid off & the answer was so simple!

Most of the stubble you think I have is probably acne

I want to open a spice shop and call it The Kumen Condition.

Do you feel like life is too much? Like you're drowning? First, check to see if you're literally drowning-- it's probably that. #THERAPY

When meeting people, the first impression I try to convey is "sex machine."

Social experiment: glue a baby to the ground, see who tries to pick it up! #hilarious

A zombie in neuroscience class spends the whole time thinking about lunch.

Ever since you broke my heart, everywhere I go, I see your face in the crowd. But maybe that's my fault. Maybe I should stop stalking you.

Indiana Jonsi

Martha Stuart Little

James FrankOcean

I want to be part of a counter-culture. Preferably granite but I'll settle for quartz.

Today when my doctor was checking to see if my throat was swollen I realized it was the most tenderly I've been touched in six months.

You know how you pick your nose when you think no one is watching? I'm watching.