i’m on the part of the spectrum that’s just like ballers and playaz and shit

It’s crazy that eggs and cheese come from the same animal

Quick question :)

Instead of asking your boys if they’d smash ask your boys if they’d let you smash

Btw this fucked hard

Giving myself body shots

Spent $45 on TouchTunes skips so I could play Marvin Gaye’s divorce album and Supergirl by XTC 4x in a row (wanted a dope soundtrack at coyote ugly San Antonio while my coworker got body shots)

Playing in the NFL is equivalent to doing a tour in Iraq to Americans with sub-105 IQs

Me after 1 beer

i have just invented pad thai burrito bowls

i’m telling people this was jesse jackson

former friend’s birthday !! should i send a rude message about how they’re vapid and hollow or should i ignore this feeling altogether

i just found out the streisand effect is not when someone refuses to get plastic surgery that would make them look better because it would affect their profession.

the vehicles of the last 3 women i went out with (no second dates): 2006 Scion xB 2015 Nissan Murano (front bumper gone) and no joke 2002 PT Cruiser with no mirrors

i would too, that shit sucks. stranded in space.

if you think fiction books can’t help you grow as a person then you are honestly kind of stupid — mf never heard of an allegory

probably like once a week, I wonder if my ex-girlfriend has killed my plants that she took

i want a girl who looks like she left the mormon church but was raised by the torah