In His Natural Habitat: A Study of the American Patriot at Rest And here, as dusk settles across the suburban plains, we find him at last. The adult American patriot, perfectly still in his natural habitat. A remarkable creature, conserving energy after another strenuous day of opposing things that would almost certainly improve his life. Notice the room. The faded recliner. The humming television. The framed portrait of the alpha male, depicted shirtless, because nature rewards confidence far more generously than anatomy. The specimen is highly territorial. His enemies are everywhere. Solar panels. Libraries. Bicycles. Vegetables. Air that has been insufficiently polluted. Each is regarded with deep suspicion. Observe his extraordinary relationship with knowledge. When presented with new evidence, he performs a fascinating defensive ritual known as scrolling past. Scientists believe this behaviour allows uncomfortable facts to become extinct before reaching the brain. His migration patterns are particularly unusual. Unlike most mammals, this one rarely leaves the county, yet possesses firm opinions about Europe, Africa, Greenland, Iran and whichever country appeared angry on television that morning. Europe, he explains confidently, has collapsed. Again. Researchers have been unable to determine exactly when this happened, as Europe itself appears largely unaware. The species is remarkably adaptable. Just months ago he worshipped Elon Musk as history’s greatest genius. Then the alpha changed his mind. Within hours, every member of the troop independently concluded they had always considered Musk an overrated communist. Such synchronised memory replacement is almost unknown outside certain species of octopus and cable news audiences. Economics provides another fascinating adaptation. The patriot adores tariffs with the innocent enthusiasm of a turkey campaigning for Christmas. When prices inevitably rise, he never blames the tariffs. Instead, he identifies a more plausible culprit: immigrants, Brussels, renewable energy, or occasionally Taylor Swift. The male’s domestic arrangements are equally intriguing. He believes women belong in the home. Conveniently, this includes his mother, who owns the home, pays several of the bills, and can often be heard calling upstairs that dinner is ready. Healthcare presents a curious contradiction. Universal healthcare is condemned as dangerous socialism, a conclusion he reaches while making the fourth monthly payment on an inhaler that costs roughly the same as a small microwave. Now observe his response to international conflict. The alpha has announced that bombing Iran will lower petrol prices. The patriot nods solemnly. Petrol prices immediately double. He nods again. Clearly, the bombing has not yet bombed hard enough. Perhaps the most remarkable feature of the species is its language. Over many years of evolution, its vocabulary has condensed into a handful of powerful sounds. “Fake news.” “Woke.” “Take that, fuckwits.” These serve as greeting, warning, courtship display, economic analysis and occasionally legal defence. And so, night settles over the den. The glow of cable news flickers softly across the room. The portrait above watches silently, bronzed, shirtless and forever victorious. The patriot drifts peacefully to sleep, dreaming of a simpler America. An America exactly like the one he already lives in, except with someone else to blame.