Dear Diary, you should've seen the splitter I K'd Olson on! You remember Olson, right? He's the cutie I told you about last August who wears 28? Anyway, he swung SO HARD! He *totally* thought he could hit it. It was adorbs!"
US Soccer should do exactly what Qatar and others have done: spend a bunch of money to recruit already great players and play them as US athletes through dodgy family connections. Problem solved!
Mike Alber retweeted
Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set Old Faithful off in their face makes you a dad.
Mike Alber retweeted
Paul Skenes, looking around as the Pirates bullpen gives up 10 runs in an inning: “Well, this sucks… but what really excites me about staying here in Pittsburgh is the prospect of a salary cap”
Mike Alber retweeted
The biggest game of the first round is on Friday, when Long Island battles Arizona for iced tea supremacy
Mike Alber retweeted
We should probably stop putting people who are preparing for the rapture in charge of anything
