25, she/her, aspiring writer & psychologist navigating AN recovery♑️🏳️🌈
venice bitch
Joined August 2013
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I can read back my old tweets and acknowledge about how miserable I was and still…I miss looking like that and I can’t stop
yah all I ever do on this acc is occasionally come aback to wax poetic about how much I miss being sick a lot of the time but it’s not socially acceptable to do it anywhere else and I need to get it off my chest
it’s just the only time I felt pretty in my life, and could actually BELIEVE it when people complimented me
every time I see someone who looks like I am fighting not to just burst into tears because I cannot get over this self-hatred I have for my current body even though there’s nothing unhealthy about it
you’re not supposed to say it and I’m supposed to feel differently and more so each day but it’s actually like the urge becomes stronger as time passes not the other way round
I’m so tired because I’m supposed to be recovered or whatever yet there’s not a day that goes by atm where I don’t wish I still had my anorexic body
anorexia was shit, I was empty and irrational and exhausted and freezing cold ALL THE FUCKING TIME, I know this, so WHY on god is my first thought every single fucking time I take a picture “wow I looked so much better then” like I need the vanity voice to stfu
I think I just miss the feeling of embarrassment over simply existing tbh, I miss the sense of freedom and lack of shame I had towards body regardless of how sick and freaky I looked to everyone else, and how much concern that caused the most important people in my life
soo I never thought I would come back to this acc because I was honestly just living on autopilot and had 0 thoughts about anything, anorexia truly ROTTED my brain, but here I am because I need some kind of bloody outlet and I’m at a loss where else to find it💁🏻♀️
I don’t think anybody would ever tell someone who had gained the amount of weight I had and who felt this uncomfortable in themselves that reducing their daily intake a bit with the goal of getting back into the healthy BMI zone was a bad thing but just bc I started treatment w/