Spent lots of time last month getting a CPF, bank, and SIM in Brazil and it's mostly a bureaucratic humiliation ritual for foreigners where every step goes wrong, including steps you never knew existed. Across Asia I can generally land, get a SIM with working data in minutes and maybe even open a bank account within an hour. For years you could get a CPF by email, so you'll find countless people telling you online it's quick and easy. That information is now out of date. Here's the truth as of 2026: You used to be able to get the whole thing done at Banco do Brasil or the Correios for R$7. Now they just charge you to fill out and print a form you can do yourself online for free. Bargain. Either way, you then have to take the form to the Receita Federal (RF). You can't just turn up during opening hours either. You won't even get past the security guard. It took two trips before he finally shared the secret: you need to be there at 8am, an hour before they open, because they only issue 15 CPFs per day. 🤯 So on the third trip I at least knew to turn up early. I was 3rd in line and it still took 2 hours, but I did at least get confirmation my CPF would arrive by email within a week. Hard part over. You'd think. Then came the phone number. I tried to buy a Vivo eSIM online, but to buy a Brazilian phone number from their website you need a Brazilian phone number to sign up. Makes sense, why else would you be wanting to buy a phone number from a telco if you didn't already have one. 🐔🥚 So I figured I'd try going to a store. They tell me they don't sell prepaid SIMs or issue eSIMs, and that I should go buy one at a kiosk. Apple stores also don't sell iPhones anymore I hear. The kiosk sells physical SIMs. Fine. I'll activate it in my old phone, convert it to eSIM and move it to my real phone. I am sure that'll all go smoothly. I figured activation would work at least. Nope. I text my CPF to the activation number and they say it's invalid. Awesome. Of course it is. Why would that work. 🤪 The store can't activate it either. Apparently it can take ~3 months for a new CPF to propagate through their systems and I need to “use it in other systems” in the meantime, like the supermarket. Five hours of online support later (they do let you AFK at least 🙃), they finally activate the SIM using a photo of my passport next to my CPF on my phone. Except because it was activated with my passport, not my CPF, I can't convert it to eSIM or use their app, and they text me every few days threatening to deactivate my line. Wonderful. Then they tell me the SIM can't even receive SMS until I top it up. Makes sense, why make it work like other telcos when you can add random extra steps. So I try to top it up, but their website requires SMS verification to do that, and my phone can't even receive that SMS. One must already have credit to acquire credit. Nice. So I top it up through Ding instead. Why not, we've come this far. I'd have used my Brazil bank but of course I can't get one of those until the number works. Now I finally have a working Brazilian SIM with data, but only in my old phone, and every few days they text me that my CPF is invalid and they're going to deactivate my line. Done? Done. Next the bank. I discover that most banks won't let a foreigner open an account with just a CPF anymore. My friends have all kinds of accounts that you can no longer obtain. You now need additional Brazilian ID that generally only residents and long-term visa holders can obtain. I did eventually manage to open a C6 account and get PIX working, but that account is tied to the same phone number that may randomly self-immolate. So after a week I have a CPF that some systems recognize and some don't, a bank account tied to that number, and a SIM card I can't put in my actual phone. At least I can finally pay for my own Mate 😂🍹 Welcome to Brazil 🇧🇷