too many generic kid names like "chris" and "jake" out there. if i had a son i'd name him something bad ass. like "the shovel"

found out i had a long lost twin so i tracked him down and absorbed him. most twins have the ability to do this #AbsorbYourTwinAndTakeTheirMoney

i thought this was sam altman until like 6 months ago

a bird is worth two hands in your bush

make me president and i will eradicate all cockatoo owners via military force on day 1

wasn't paying attention and just sent this to my boss instead of my gf

professor oak: you can choose pikachu, cumball, or josh me: i haven’t heard of those other two. josh is literally just some guy josh: josh 🧍‍♂️ professor oak: it’s a pokemon. its special ability is it looks like some guy named josh me: interesting cumball: cumball

the mildew spores emanating from my closet suggest my neighbor is a federal agent sent to keep an eye on me

a gnome got into the internals of my microwave and made contact with the transformer and exploded into a mist while i was cooking a hot pocket

accidentally opened this app while screen sharing during a meeting and this was the first post

accidentally clicked an ad while scrolling on here and my camera opened and took a pic of me and closed and now there’s a tapping on my bedroom window every night around 2:45am

pour sugar in your gas tank and start your car #PourSugarInYourGasTankAndStartYourCar

i’m glad all of the people who did the transatlantic accent are dead now

no community note

me holding eye contact with the invisible gnome that desaturates colors

just shipped a few small tweaks

mom keeps joking about me “chipping in” when her social security starts going down in a few years

had a dream i was eating a hot dog and i woke up chewing on my blanket