Our CEO called me in a rage because his Zoom calls kept dropping. He said his video was freezing every 15 seconds and asked if we were under a DDoS attack. We weren't under a DDoS attack. I was manually throttling the executive Wi-Fi network down to 128 kilobits per second. I told him we were suffering from acute packet fragmentation due to an outdated routing table. I explained that the incoming data packets were colliding in the local cache and tearing each other apart. He asked how long it would take to rebuild the routing table. I told him the only way to stop the fragmentation was to authorize my pending $85K budget request for a new fiber-optic firewall. That request had been sitting on his desk for 3 weeks. He pulled it up on his iPad and signed it while still on the phone with me. The second the DocuSign email hit my inbox, I removed the bandwidth cap. His Zoom feed instantly snapped into pristine 4K resolution. He audibly gasped and told me I was an absolute miracle worker. I told him I had to manually reroute the packet streams through a secure secondary tunnel. I used the phrase "dynamic latency overriding." He sent an email to the entire company praising the IT department for our rapid crisis response. The new firewall budget is actually going to be used to build a private Classic server for my World of Warcraft guild. I don't solve problems. I manufacture minor technological hostage situations. Bandwidth is just leverage.