Yesterday's Sushi

Welcome to #YesterdaysSushi where our place stinks just like yours. But give it like 10 minutes, and you won't even notice. Check out only the finest in #HomeDecor. redbubble.com/i/throw-pillow…

Later, Twitter. I'm heading back over to Yahoo comments, where it's slightly less toxic.

#GoWokeGoBroke actually makes me want to go woker (because I can't get much broker).

I ate so much last night, I had a food baby. And now I'm questioning my decision to forgo the epidural.

Sometimes I think about how much therapists have to listen to, and that there’s probably a therapist that treats other therapists. And I can only imagine the poor bastard that treats those guys.

We need younger judges so that they don’t have such a boner about taking your hat off.

The top item on my bucket list is to live longer.

A booker just told me to keep it PG-13, which is great because at least I get to show my tits and say 'fuck' just one time.

I just overheard a complete stranger say they wanted to take some kid home with them. But it was a woman, so it’s somehow not creepy at all.

I’m wandering this mall aimlessly because I can’t find the directory. Shouldn’t there be some sort of sign to tell you where it is?

I’m never afraid to fail. I’m exhausted from failing, but still not afraid of it.

Last night I had a sex dream where I was looking everywhere for a condom. God, I need a vacation.

I like to wear weird clothing and unnecessarily put myself in danger and act like a victim. Should I get a motorcycle?

I love the people who swerve on the freeway. Like, oh no! Quick, I gotta crash into somebody else.

I think all questions are trick questions.

People are from Earth, which is why it’s not my favorite planet.

Does anybody else talk to your food like I do? Like when you chop vegetables, do you say, “What’s up you little mutherfuckers?”

I love how in basically any club, VIP means scumbag.

If sidewalks are visibly covered in gum, shouldn’t streets be covered in boogers?

Everyone’s been talking shit all week about billionaires, like you wouldn’t be out there in a boat if you had one, just for the reward money.

What do you even call it when you get catfished by a dog?