Alright due to a previous Tweet here are the House Rules for my #EDH play group. We prioritize fun and hanging out, but we do play some serious #MTG

Men want 1 thing...and it's quite simple.

Mario is gunna be pissed!

I woke up at 330 this morning thinking about how the average of averages is inaccurate and the only way to get a true average is to take the entire data set into consideration as 1 calculation and couldn't fall back asleep. WTF is wrong with me.

In case you're wondering how much snow Wisconsin got. People are SKIING on roads.

Why do I feel like this didn't help his case?

And yet everyone with Magic cards was stopped for additional screening. #MTG

Putting Axel down for his nap this afternoon: Axel: Daddy I want to dream about dinosaurs. Me: Then as your falling asleep think about dinosaurs. Axel: I'm always thinking about dinosaurs. Me to myself: #parenting

He's like an unbalanced washing machine.

Axel: Daddy I need a big boy night light, mine is for babies. Me: We can't have that, I got you. New night light:

God of War Diablo Crash Bandicoot Destiny Alice Madness Returns

I told my 3 year old to pick up his toys. 10 minutes later I checked on how he was doing and nothing was done. I asked him why he didn't pick anything up and his response was "I can't be trusted to do what I'm told" The kid had THE ANSWER, just loaded and ready. #parenting

Where is your line in the sand between good gas mileage and death? Cuz doing this at 70 mph...DAMN. #idiots

At what point do you request a warranty replacement on a baby?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the Fruit Ninja World Champion.

Me @ kids appt Me: Do people have near/far hearing like vision? Dr.: I don't understand, please explain Me: He doesn't seem to hear me 4 ft away saying bedtime, but if I open candy on the other side of the house and he yells "FRUIT SNACKS" and runs at me Is this concerning?

Say Venom somehow attached to The Flash. Could Venom hold on at full speed? Cuz I'm just thinking of how funny the commentary would be with Venom going that fast for the first time...and how completely OP that combo would be.

Marvel - Venom and Hulk. DC - Superman and The Flash Attach Venom to any of them and run away....far away.

Guys, this is a warning to not stick your penis in a toaster to warm up in cold weather.

2 year old: Daddy my room is dark, I dont like it. Me: Do you want a night light? 2YO: Yeah but colors Me: Hmmm...how about 8 colors? 2YO: YEAH! Me: Don't worry buddy, daddys got you covered.

This probably has nothing to do with them having a massive inventory of multiple sets that are about to rotate stuck in warehouses, hoping something will change and provide a reason to buy those boxes.