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jamonthirteen

@jamonthirteen

Are you laughing at me?

 Nueva Jersey
Joined January 2010
  • Tweets13K
  • Following30
  • Followers342
300Media
Photo by jamonthirteen (@jamonthirteen)Photo by jamonthirteen (@jamonthirteen)Photo by jamonthirteen (@jamonthirteen)Photo by jamonthirteen (@jamonthirteen)Photo by jamonthirteen (@jamonthirteen)Photo by jamonthirteen (@jamonthirteen)Photo by jamonthirteen (@jamonthirteen)Photo by jamonthirteen (@jamonthirteen)Photo by jamonthirteen (@jamonthirteen)Photo by jamonthirteen (@jamonthirteen)
does anyone know where i can buy a baby walrus? I need one for my nephew's bday party this Sunday, so please let me know asap
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"I will show them Central Intelligence again & again & again, & when their eyes begin to bleed and they beg me for mercy I will show them Central Intelligence 1,000 more times because I am GOD!!" - programming director at @tntdrama
How the fuck do you log out of this thing?
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where is my stimulation check i need my stimulation
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My Coronavirus Quarantine Preparedness Plan: One large tub of Jif® peanut butter. I figure the 30 servings should keep me alive for 30 days. Let's see, that's 2 tablespoons per serving at 30 times per day... Oh shit. That's 1 day.
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I don't have a criminal record, but at any given moment I could be stopped & arrested for possession of trash with intent to litter.
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Has anyone yet to tweet about how a silver-lining around the coronavirus scare is that its resulted in a noticeable reduction of Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on people's doors?
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#HeyGoogle, remember I got diarrhea at the Red Robin in Paramus, NJ & my bathroom stall had no toilet paper.
Post Malone's face looks like my hairy butthole.
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When I showed my boss a TMI photo of my BM, she immediately noticed something; then she called the authorities.
My ass sphincters to my bladder, "Hey, buddy, relaaax!"
"Hurry. the. fuck. up!" - my bladder as I'm fumbling with my keys while trying to get into my apartment.
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My bladder wears the pants in this relationship.
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Remember when Twitter was only about telling 43 complete strangers what your BM was shaped like?
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I mean, what *do* they study at the Pew Research Center? Farts?! [bows to a crowd of laughter & applause]
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This is fantastic. Blows my high school’s adaptation of PINK FLAMINGOS out of the water.
Andrew Fernandez (@bhsdrew) profile pictureAndrew Fernandez@bhsdrew23 Mar 2019
I love that north bergen high school did alien last night as their school play, so I’m gonna keep tweeting about how great it is..everything was made from recycled materials .. so nuts amazing I’m so proud of my hometown
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I'm a very loyal person aside from having cheated on my wife, but if you don't count me cheating on my wife -- oh, & also there were numerous business services I never paid, & other things, but if you don't count any of that, I'm a very loyal person.
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Did you say Matt Calamari? It's pronounced: Matt Gallamaad.
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Don't fire until you see the whites of their eggs.
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