Danno Carter

For the record, Amy Coney Barrett is not a Notre Dame alum. She's a Notre Dame law school alum. And we don't associate with those people because they are the worst to sit near at football games.

Daylight savings time does the opposite of saving daylight. It's daylight stealings time. I'm not doing it this year. If you are, do the appropriate math when making plans with me.

If you think Pete Buttigieg wouldn't be a great leader because he's gay, you obviously haven't heard of Dumbledore.

Who is more in delusional denial that their person isn't lying, supporters of Donald Trump or Urban Meyer?

Based on the fact that @realDonaldTrump thinks @StephenAtHome, @jimmykimmel, and @jimmyfallon have no talent, I also hope he thinks that I have no talent.

This Tuesday is the first ever stand up show at the Hollywood Palladium. Like most things I do… instagram.com/p/BhetUsrli83/ – at Los Angeles, CA

Sometimes I forget how fun Standup can be when you go up 5th at a sold out Comedy Club versus… instagram.com/p/BhRx49UFg0i/ – at Pasadena, CA

It's considered rude to not introduce people. But I feel much worse when I introduce people who already know each other.

Tonight is Pancho's Comedy Night #236 and I found a magical alley just in time.

Again don't tell me that my career isn't going anywhere. Look at this crowd at Speed Dating… instagram.com/p/BfNLQeqFo-u/ – at Hermosa Beach, CA

Job Teacher Injury Decision Meeting Tone Issue Offense Dog Question Addiction Movie Camp Counselor Condition Boss Conversation Rash Landlord Demeanor Risk Consequences Father In Law Does the word "Serious" make any of those better? Why would I want a Serious Relationship?

Doing stand up comedy has made it much easier to deal with being rejected by women.

I think Tom Brady is the least weird person on the planet. Go Eagles. – at Hermosa Beach, CA

There are so many more hateful, racist, cantankerous comments all over the internet than ever before. I don't know if it's all Trump's fault or if it just took these people until 2018 to learn what the internet is.

Saw a girl on bumble whose profile said "lookin 4 a suga daddy," and then she linked her venmo account. So I found her on venmo. And I requested 100 dollars from her.

Just biked by this towel sign randomly. Now that I found it, this will be my new pre-Pancho's… instagram.com/p/BeROzvPFLTW/

The Vikings had no shot to win that game. Now I have to try to meet a woman tonight.

Thank you @AOL for preparing me for dating apps. I use the same tricks in bumble messages that I used in instant messages.