This is how fat I am, I had time to kill before dinner so I went and got food... @ThatKevinSmith

I should be @POTUS. I'd say, if places like @Disney want to open, let them open. If there's employees that are willing to work, let them work. And if the public is willing to go, let them go. We should get to decide how to plan our lives, not the government. @Oprah @Vegas

Thank you @BernieSanders for being a line judge at this years @DowTennisCL @bgtennisnation @espn @WNEMTV5news #midlandmichigan

#5GThatWorks #contest

I was about to go work out and saw this... Does this mean the other ones can hear us?!?!?! @American_Girl @TheEllenShow

I get the whole thing about "saving the environment" but, everytime I use a paper straw, within 45 seconds of putting it in my drink I end up looking like I'm trying to blow a guy. #paperstraws

Today after peeing I wobbled my penis to get the excess pee out. It flew up and hit me in the eye. The pee, not my penis. It's gonna be a long week. The week, not my penis. @normmacdonald @comedycentral #truestory

Solid boob sweat in 20 degree #Michigan. @nytimes

I just peed out of my penis, and wondered why my pee smelled really bad. Then I remembered I was farting simultaneously. #FirstWorldProblems @bobsaget

I can't believe a reputable company like @HeinzKetchup_US would tarnish America's youth like this. Putting ketchup directly ON TOP of the fries? Everyone knows fries are made to dip, not to need a washcloth. What is this? Russia? #FryLivesMatter #MakeFriesGreatAgain @POTUS

My shoes taste better than yours. #Nike @Nikecourt @Nike @stefanjanoski

I remember like 15 years ago while working at a gym in #Detroit, @50cent came in for a day pass. He was like "I need a day pass." So I say, ok that will be 8 dollars. He says, "no no I'm 50 cent." So I say, no no it's EIGHT DOLLARS...

I tried to ask @Starbucks the calorie count for the green tea frappachino with sugar free vanilla syrup. My phone autocorrected it to "vaginal" syrup. Excuse me while I vomit out dinner since Wednesday.

Big thanks to @BeingLarryDavid for line juding the @DowTennisCL tennis event today. Couldn't have done it without you. #CurbYourEnthusiasm

Do you think "my poop smells like sauerkraut" is a good thing to put on my @tinder profile?

You know you're having a bad day when you realize for the last 15 seconds you've been trying to plug your phone charger into a @MountainDew . #fastcharge #possibilitydays @CountingCrows

I can't wait until I'm 70 so I can give children Werthers Originals from my sport coat and it's no longer considered creepy. @werthers_orig

When the lady at the front desk has a name you now want to name your children. @Snyders_Hanover