Love passing a group of protestors with signs saying "abolish the NRA" while on my way to pick up a new AR

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die

Gas prices are literally going up by the day

My girlfriend grew up in Raymond and has never heard of Nirvana. I need some time to process this information

Going thru my Twitter and laughing because I'm a fucking comedian

There's no meat in this gumbo

When you grow up cereal becomes more of a dessert than a breakfast food

Adulting is calling your mom in the grocery store to ask her how she made that one dish

Used a skillsaw to cut a sandwich in half today. I'm fucking invincible

My girl is so sexy when she orders in spanish at the taco truck 😍

I love seeing people with fucked up cars driving reckless. Like that explains why your car looks like a crumpled soda can

Why the fuck isnt there any mexican food buffets? All you can eat tacos, build your own burritos, dont even get me started on nachos. Why aren't we funding this?

Bacon is overpriced. I'll die on this hill

Nothing screams "I'm fucking stupid" like still flying a Trump flag out of the back of your truck. Bonus points if its paired with a Confederate flag.

My momma raised one funny motherfucker

The world's not out to get you as much as you wish it was. Gotta get over that victim mentality sweetheart