OUT: Shacharit is starting ten minutes earlier than usual for Rosh Chodesh.
IN: I just want your extra time and your Kislev.
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RABBI: The blessing “may your children inherit the gates of their enemies” means they should be safe; it isn’t literal.
SHIMSHON: (carrying gates of Gaza) So… you want I should put these back?
We live in a timeline where a scientist can say “humans and dinosaurs did not coexist” and an Evangelical will go “yes they did” and a Chabadnik will say “I agree with the scientist” and I will say “I agree with the evangelical” and none of us are talking about the same thing.
JEWISH PRIVILEGE:
What people think it is: “So we use the banks to buy more space lasers and have the media cover it up.”
What it actually is: “Sholom Aleichem! I know you’re new in town and don’t know anyone yet but I wanted to invite you for Shabbat.”
SYNAGOGUES: Chayei Sarah singles event!
SINGLES: So you’re having an event where the groom’s father’s slave negotiates with the bride’s family, the bride completely upends her life, and the groom just shows up at the end to move them into his dead mother’s apartment?
CHRISTIANS: God abrogated the Covenant at Sinai.
MUSLIMS: God abrogated the Covenant at Sinai.
JEWS:
MILLENNIALS: Bible characters are so unrelatable.
AVRAHAM: I had to save up for 137 years before I could afford to buy my own place. I had to pay waaay over market. In cash. For literally a cave.
FUN FACT:
The mitzva to donate First Wool (ראשית הגז) only applies when shearing sheep, not ducks or geese.
There is no mitzva to give away First Downs.
Unless you’re the Dallas Cowboys, apparently…
My son filled out an online application to a Brisker yeshiva and instead of a CAPTCHA they had this:
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Why is it called “a pareve calf made using Sefer HaYetzira”, and not “I can’t believe it’s not בָּקָר”.
Avraham before and after finding out there aren’t even 50 decent human beings in the Sedom metro area:
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Jews get stereotyped as having high-status jobs like investment bankers and low-status foods like bagels and pickles.
We are the People of lox, stocks, and barrels.
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“Why does your shower scrubber look like a flatbread filled with spit-roasted meat, hummus, salads, pickles and fried eggplant?”
“What, you never heard of a shawarma loofa?”
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AVRAHAM IN MEDRASH: My tent is open to all! It is open on all four sides so anyone and everyone feels welcome to enter!
AVRAHAM IN THE TORAH: It’s incredibly hot outside, so you should eat your meal… near my tent, under this tree.
Me when someone is giving a dvar Torah and I know they’re trying their best but they keep making little mistakes like mispronouncing words that don’t really change the message but are still wrong.
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