Let’s do this, people
The 1990s
Joined July 2018
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her: what should we do for our date tonight
me: {remembers that girls like to be descaled every 6 weeks} well I’ve got white vinegar under the sink if you need descaling
her: what
me: {remembers I sometimes think of Keurig maintenance tips accidentally when I’m nervous} oh no
Joel the Forklift! retweeted
[six minutes into a rock opera]
me: *glaring* these are people, not rocks
Joel the Forklift! retweeted
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain...
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he's ready for the rice now
Joel the Forklift! retweeted
ME: barkeep, one entendre please
BARTENDER: will that be all sir
ME: hmm, better make it a double
BARTENDER: will that finish you off sir
Joel the Forklift! retweeted
TINDER DATE: oh wow, you’re way better looking than in your profile pic
DORIAN GRAY: yeah I get that a lot actually
Movie Executive: good news boys, Fast and Furious 9 was a hit so we’re going to do another one
Marketing Person: 😊
Vin Diesel: and we’re gonna call it… Fast X
Marketing Person: {slides full-color “FasTEN Your Seatbelts!” poster mock-up back into manila folder} oh nice
*watching The Haunted Mansion and the lead actors arrive at the door of a haunted mansion*
ME: {nodding} as promised
this Robert Muldoon action figure comes with two identical heads, but no one explains it anywhere? picture after picture showing two heads; absolutely no discussion about it, as though it’s just standard practice—hey here’s your GI Joe, and also here’s his second identical head
