her: no guy under 5’8” is attractive. that’s just facts me: oh? explain this then *i reach in my back pocket and pull out a polaroid i took of my father sleeping in his underwear*

oh boy😂

me: you wanna have fun at a wedding stick to the girls, they’ll keep you safe and make sure you have fun😂 my last surviving uncle: i never knew my nephew grew up gay. makes sense, your aunt told me you moisturize too me: when i get the right to carry u’ll be the first i shoot

karaoke at home, and i get front row!

coworker: why are you wearing that? it’s like 90° out me: oh, i hadn’t noticed.. (pulling the turtleneck up slightly) C: hmmm.. (he rips all my clothes off, im fully covered in vampire bites) you’re a thrall?! me: listen, it’s not what it looks like! these are from my dad

been on that radon mitigation/hvac type shit lately. they call him the dual threat tradesman🫣

the fated comedy night

me: (pushing guy to the ground who’s walking slow) hey, move it asshole him: s-sorry. (fumbling for his walking cane) ever since i lost my eyes im a bit slower me: ah jesus, man (rummaging in his pockets. pulling out a couple bucks) just watch where you’re going next time

my soon to be wife is so cringy. what the hell does she expect me to say to this? blurred it out, but i basically just told her off

me: think im gonna game with the boys tonight wife: (pushes my head down and drips on my neck some of the serum they gave magneto in the 2003 X-Men movie) what do you really want? me: on second thought let’s do each others makeup and watch Heated Rivalry

bunch of babies in a classroom, sitting at desks and taking notes on how to breastfeed. i’m in the back trying to copy one of the smarter babies work

a destined battle. @Daggerlad2 vs Meat Boy

traveling through time to stop hitler. attending his speeches, nudging the guy next to me and rolling my eyes whenever he says something outlandish. i’m scoffing and going “this guy can’t be serious, right?”

cashier: ok, for two hotdogs that will be $5.25 me: ok, hah. and how much for you? cashier: oh, im not for sale me: right right😉 aaand? (licking my fingers, counting ones slowly) cashier: hypothetically.. (adjusting his collar) $15? me: i actually only have $12 on my person

changed my hair and got a new suit. people can’t stop talking about how good i look💅

going to a birthday party tonight. you know i had to get my swag on!

trying to fight a bunch of home intruders while i’ve got a vibrator going off in my butt controlled by my twitch audience