we need to teach shit to kids the old fashioned way like how we all learned about french kissing from Clarissa on the bus in 5th grade

walk in the door after work & try not talking to your animals in a baby voice

every time i see a dog in an old movie i say "ohhh that sweet doggie is long dead" & feel bad

don't try, give up, be wrong, lower your standards, be happier

I remember "calling" "blockbuster" on a "telephone"

stop giving yourself a nickname that's not how it works

in a mood to be scared so I sat down & made a list of all the things I do exactly like my mother

-me, getting a joke on twitter

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

i love how bank commercials portray you checking their app while riding in a convertible or on a beach with your hair blowing in slow motion instead of sweating at the kitchen table at 11pm saying fuck fuck

no that's not an accent that's you pronouncing words wrong

please. I've got spices in the back of my cupboard older than you

I'm pretty sure my version is exactly how the song goes

I've screwed up so much I figure there's nothing left to learn the hard way

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate