NEVER WASH YOUR DICKS ON A SUNDAY. Seriously guys pleeeeease don't make the mistake I did. It was sooooo peaceful this morning so I grabbed my bag of dicks from the mantlepiece, like you do. Inside, the dicks were slithering wetly, squirming like juicy fat worms who know it's not

omg check my site, i have REBRANDED* *(the text is now pink)

genius idea: chessboard in the shape of a mobius strip (I'll take my nobel prize in the form of cash thank u)

[human drinking vodka while smoking] bread is bad for ducks

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

AMERICAN: *talking like it's no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

hulk angry - HULK SMASH hulk running - HULK DASH hulk swimming - HULK SPLASH hulk in poison ivy - HULK RASH hulk's fine ass - HULK FLASH hulk's awesome facial hair - HULK STACHE hulk browsing porn - HULK CLEAR CACHE

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don't

there's a type of penguin called the little blue fairy and that's all that matters today

Good night, Twitter. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

we live in a world in which at least 1 cat is named Puma Thurman and for that we should all be grateful