Americans be like: A: Hey! Where y'all from? Me: Calgary A:?? Me: Alberta A:?? Me: Canada. I'm from Canada. A: Oooooh. Me: How about you guys? A: Utah. That's in the States. Me: We know. Because, we studied geography in school and shit....

You can't bluff someone who's not paying attention. House of Cards

Well it’s official, I’m the grandma of my friend group. 👵 I got peer pressured into going to the bar for a friend’s birthday tonight. Asked a buddy what time he’s going. He says 10. 10PM?!? Dude what. I was planning to be done celebrating and driving home by 10pm 🤯

Someone around me smells like cotton candy and I have this immense urge to just gobble em up. NOM NOM NOM.

Went to the bank. The bank teller turned his back to me and said “why do you hate me” very audibly. I don’t not think that he wasn’t talking about me 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

I wish I had longer arms so I could reach snacks further away.

15?! Fifteen years?! 🫠 Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

Rocking out to Dashboard Confessional and The Fray while doing chores today. Soundtrack inspired by @josephruscitti

Am I the only one that dislikes getting asked for more selfies? I mean, there are eight in my dating profile. If you want to see more of me, maybe let’s just meet instead of me sending you my entire selfie photo album… How do y’all feel about it? #datingthreads

If I were salted peanuts, where would I be?

When people say “no worries” but you wasn’t even worried. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can’t stop singing “it’s raining tacos… yum yum yum….” Grrrrr at my student for getting it stuck in my head. 🙃

If a woman responds to your texts with "it was fine, it's ok, it's fine" ....

My life would be a lot better if I could magically pull an Advil out of the air right now.

My shorts are falling down, and I forgot a belt this morning. Plus my top is cropped which amplifies the problem of my shorts falling down. I guess June is the month of Fiona’s wardrobe woes.

Do these old white women not know it's rude to signal to a waiter with "HELLO" and a wave? Isn’t that rude? Is that just me? Maybe it's just me.

Hmm. I should make myself a sandwich instead of eating all these chips… -she said, after she eats an entire meals’ worth of chips

Is it still a “wake and bake” if I didn’t go to sleep, and therefore didn’t do any waking?

I’m not asleep and I cannot find any clean underwear.

Does the Costco food court open right when Costco opens? Could I get chicken strips right at 9am? Asking for me.