How are you possibly able to say with a straight face that dread and FOMO are appropriate "alpha" tools to create desire, but telling your woman you are ready to walk away from the relationship because of its poor sex life is a "duty sex trap." The former tools are only effective in the first place because they are the latter's derivatives. The reason your woman gets jealous or nervous when you're not around or paying attention to her is because she's afraid you might LEAVE. It is not "forcing compliance" to walk away from a woman who is playing power games around sex with you. This accusation is gaslighting - like telling someone being abused that they are in fact the abuser when they stand up for themselves. On the contrary, the reason you must be willing to walk away is that this credible threat is the only way to actually end the power game. Because let's face it: when sex is on ration in a marriage and there are consistent barriers put up around intimacy, that is exactly what you are in. A game. And since she is running a sexual cartel, you better believe it's a rigged one. You talk a lot about frame, but what is frame? Frame is the set of assumptions agreed upon in a situation. Frame is the game people are playing. Every frame has its rules. Violate them and you get shamed. Cut away all the verbiage, Giff, and the bottom line is you want guys to play their wife's game. You want them to lead better & to be less needy because odds are eventually she will notice and respond better to you for it. I agree this is a smart thing to do, because it shows good faith on your end and builds credibility, both with her and with yourself (you feel more like a man when you act like one, and become harder to manipulate). But all of this is nevertheless safe, generally accepted behavior by the woman, which is why it's only half the equation. The other half is the more uncomfortable part: the wife's own behavior needs to be addressed, because in your frame, you are not willing to tolerate a marriage where sex is controlled. Do you understand now why this portion is so significant? Her falling into your frame isn't you being a better leader; it's her changing her behavior. In her frame, the sex isn't happening because you need to do better. So you do better. But if you do not call her out for her own bad behavior, and create real deterrence around it (this is where dread & withdrawing attention comes in), then your frame has never really entered the conversation. Maybe she trusts you more, but you are still playing her game. You think you're going to win this game, and maybe you will, but in the long term the juice is never worth the squeeze; it's winning battles to lose a war. That's why Republicans dominated elections for 30 years and until Trump (who refused to play their game) nearly lost the country in the process. They didn't set the cultural frame, and when it comes to frame, you can't only play defense. You need to set the terms of debate, and handle the tension of the other person reacting to them. That is what this conversation boils down to, and it's why at times it seems we are talking past each other. While we both agree step #1 is men looking inward and becoming better leaders, you want this so guys can win this game with their wives; I don't, I want it so that they have the leverage and self-belief to quit - because I don't think there's any truly acceptable win condition in it. The game of "how to get your wife to be affectionate and fuck you" is stupid and isn't worth playing. I will not entertain women's lame excuses on this topic; I am not interested in buying your rug. If you're a man with self-respect, your main objective should just be to extricate yourself (and your woman) from relationship patterns where this sort of control is on the table. Walk away, and invite her to walk away with you. If she's a good faith woman who truly wants connection, she will; control is as bad for her getting love, as it is for you. This process may take time because shame and fear makes guys stay in dynamics that demean them longer than they should, but the goal is nevertheless the same: become the man who feels he deserves more, become the man less afraid of consequences; who values truth over his woman's reactions - and indeed over losing his marriage. Because your balls, your standards, your inability to be tamed - these are the only traits that really change how much a woman gives herself to you sexually. The dark truth is that with women, being benevolent is optional. There are plenty of "alpha" shitbags who get sex whenever they want because women enter their world. They assert their reality on women and do not let women control them; indeed, women often bend over backwards to please them. This may be selfish and destructive to the woman, but women do it anyway, because these guys aren't afraid of them and actually control the frame. You don't have to be like these guys in how you treat a woman. You can and should build your woman up instead; to help her get the love she craves. You should cherish your woman and be considerate of her needs when you lead because you want a healthy relationship and a clear conscience. But being a better man will not get your woman's sexual surrender. In order to guide her to this eros, you need to control the frame just as these assholes do, and that means adopting the same attitude of indifference to staying with her when she tries to make you accept nonsense. The only difference is the honorable alpha's motives aren't selfish, they are win-win; you are calling her out not because she won't give you what you want, but because her fear of losing control is stagnating the marriage for both of you. You see how she is blocking the flow of love, and you won't accept it. You want her all, unrestricted, or you don't want her at all. That's your frame - or at least what it should be. Anything else in marriage is a game of egos, filled with arbitrary limitations, that isn't worth playing.