Pickle jar openings are suspiciously sized to easily let a moderately sized woman raid them bared handed at close to 1 in the morning.

Does anyone else drunk call their mum about lasagne?

Is there a coffee version of "chain smoking"? I need it to describe my life.

Sushi-Training the pain away.

Technology always runs better when you make encouraging kissy noises at it.

The eternal question: Am I too drunk to go to the supermarket...?

Millions of years from now, an advanced civilisation will uncover my gif collection and worship me as a god.

I have a sudden and very specific urge to play Diablo II. I blame the germs on public transport.

My thumb won't unlock my phone because chocolate chip muffin.

I've started giving random cat photos I find on the internet names. #catlesscatlady

When you don't have time for dinner because you're too busy stalking Taylor Swift on Instagram. #firstworldproblems

Using a spoon to cut my Brie because there are no clean knives #justgirlthings – at Melbourne, Victoria

Tore a shoulder muscle & lost the ability to touch my head. Havent washed hair in more than a week. Someone just wrote ‘wash me’ in the dirt

Hamsters are just bunnies without reception. – at Melbourne, Victoria

If I had my way I’d spend the rest of the work day walking around mooing at people.

just attempted to operate her computer with a hairbrush. Was confounded by this for the better part of 2 minutes. Works in the IT sector.

"I don't think celine dion has any openings on her body" - @nickuuuuu – at Melbourne, Australia

I think I may have committed a crime against fitness by getting melted chocolate on my running tights...

Auto tuned throat singing.