Capt. Steve Rogers

You know I died to keep "Nazi" from trending, right?

Just figured out how to reset my Twitter password. How's everything going?

Heroes don't do that, but I'm no hero.

Still waiting on that call about being in Spider-Man 3...

Make out with your future niece and you too could be worthy to wield Mjolnir.

Aging challenge

SKRULL HUNT!

I don't hear Yanny or Laurel. Just the same explosions and screams I hear every night.

Infinity War was pretty uplifting.

The Justice League called to say I was PROBABLY going to be named their team leader, but I would have to agree to help dig up Superman's corpse. I said probably is no good and started a Civil War. Thanks anyway!

...Did I miss anything?

I could really stand to punch some Nazis right now to get back into form. Anyone know where I can find some?

PSA: Super Soldier Serum doesn't show in urine, so feel free to juice up on it before a drug test.

PSA: Sidekicks are easily replaceable and likely to expire. Choose one whose death won't move you.

PSA: It never hurts to alienate your friends by insisting on a battle when a polite discussion would do. Trust me.

PSA: Always accept a free drink, regardless of the source.

The PSAs in Spider-Man: Homecoming do not represent me.

Pretending all the fireworks are for my birthday as I eat the cake I bought myself.

Does Gwyneth Paltrow sell any stickers that cure Nazism?