DrJoeKort

People want simple rules about cheating, but relationships are rarely that simple. In this clip, Dan Savage talks about the gray areas that can exist in long-term relationships, especially when sex, caregiving, illness, money, children, and unmet needs are all part of the picture. This does not mean cheating is harmless or that secrecy is ideal. It means “just leave” is not always realistic advice. Dan and I talk about why couples need more honest conversations about monogamy, desire, and what they are actually agreeing to. Watch the full Smart Sex Smart Love conversation with Dan Savage, linked in my bio.

My new Substack is live: You can love your partner deeply and still notice other people, fantasize, develop crushes, or feel chemistry outside the relationship. That does not automatically mean the relationship is failing. What matters is how we understand those feelings, what we choose to do with them, and what our agreements actually ask of us. I wrote about attraction, monogamy, privacy, fidelity, and why desire does not always deserve the authority we give it. Read it here: joekortphd.substack.com/p/yo…

YOUR SEXUAL FANTASIES DON’T DEFINE YOUR SEXUALITY What turns you on isn’t always the same thing as who you’re sexually oriented toward. Sexual orientation and eroticism overlap—but they’re not identical. Great conversation with @guywoof — thanks for having me on The Guy Woof Show. #GuyWoof #TheGuyWoofShow #Sexuality #Eroticism #SexTherapy #SexualHealth

We call a little boy’s crush on a girl “cute,” but a crush on another boy “sexualizing children.” Children aren’t automatically straight. Acknowledging that some may be gay isn’t sexualizing them. It’s challenging our heterosexual double standard.

Why are Sides so often dismissed as “lazy bottoms”? How come nobody talks about “lazy tops”? And why assume a Side would naturally be a bottom anyway? Some of us might naturally be tops—we just don’t want anal penetration to define our sex lives. #sidepride

Not sure how to better understand and support transgender and gender-diverse clients? This webinar is for therapists, healthcare professionals, educators, and allies who want a stronger foundation in gender identity, affirming care, and inclusive clinical practice. Join our free live webinar with Toni Cardon, MSW, LLMSW, for an introduction to transgender identities, common terminology, gender dysphoria and euphoria, minority stress, and the basics of social and medical transition. Gain practical knowledge to provide more affirming, compassionate, and informed support. Register now using the link in our bio.

Need support but don’t have time for weekly therapy? I offer therapy intensives for individuals and couples who need focused help right away. These are private, fast-tracked sessions where I set aside a dedicated block of time, anywhere from four hours to a full weekend, up to 20 hours, to work through the issue at hand. Intensives can help with communication, repairing disagreements, intimacy, out-of-control s//xual behavior, self-esteem, low s//xual desire, emotional closeness, infidelity, trauma, s//xual anxiety, and more. To learn more about therapy intensives, call 248.399.7317 or email joekort@joekort.com.

Before Pride Month ends, I wanted to remind you that there's still one week left to save 20% on all Side Guys merchandise. When I coined the term side, my goal was simple: to give gay men language for an experience that had always existed but often went unnamed. Too many men felt like they didn't fit because they weren't interested in @nal s//x, when in reality there is no one right way to be gay or to experience intimacy. The Side Guys collection is about visibility, authenticity, and living without shame. If that message resonates with you, now is a great time to shop the collection before the sale ends next week. Shop the collection at the link in my bio!

A reader left this powerful Amazon review for Side Guys: It’s Still S//x Even if You Don’t Have Intercourse, and it means so much to me: “I FINALLY found a term that fits me perfectly! I was SO ashamed and went through lots of psychological self torment.” This is why I coined the term side. So many people are told s//x has to look one specific way. Intercourse. Penetration. Top or bottom. This or that. But what if that never fit you? What if the shame came not from your s//xuality, but from trying to force yourself into a s//xual script that was never yours? Being a side is valid. Outercourse is s//x. Masturbation is s//x. Touch, kissing, rubbing, mutual pleasure, intimacy without penetration, all of it counts. Every time someone says this word helped them feel less alone, I am reminded why this work matters. To purchase a copy of Side Guys: It’s Still S//x Even if You Don’t Have Intercourse, go to the link in my bio.

Are hookups helping your loneliness, or helping you avoid it? I want to be clear: I'm not anti-hookup. Hookups can be fun, consensual, and a perfectly healthy part of gay life. But I also see many people in my practice who tell me they want deeper connection, more intimacy, a partner, or a chosen family, yet they're relying on hookups to meet emotional needs that hookups can't always fulfill. Many of us were never taught how to create intimacy with others. We were taught to hide our feelings, avoid vulnerability, and sometimes even distance ourselves from others to survive. If you're feeling disconnected, it may be worth asking yourself: am I using hookups because I want s//x, or because I'm hungry for connection? I recently did a full YouTube video on this topic where I go much deeper into why hookups can sometimes become what I call "pseudo intimacy" and what gay men can do to build more meaningful connection. Even though it is geared toward gay men it certainly can apply to everyone. Watch the full video on my YouTube channel linked in my bio.

Not every man grows up with the father he needed. One of the greatest compliments I've ever received was being told I was an unfathered man who learned how to father others. As a therapist, I bring a lot of fatherly energy into my work, and I have directed that same energy to my niece and nephews. My own father left when I was 3 years old, and I've spent much of my life looking for father figures and paternal mentors. What I've learned is that you don't "get over" those wounds. You learn to live with them. You learn from them. And sometimes, you become the father you needed to yourself. On Father's Day, I want to thank the fathers who show up not just physically, but emotionally. Your presence matters more than you may ever know.

I was telling a straight woman about what a gay Side is. She asked, “Then what do you do?” Her husband replied, “What do you mean? Everything you want to do that I don’t want to do!” 😝

Today is National Public Display of Affection Day, and it raises an interesting question: are we becoming less affectionate in public? We text constantly. We send emojis, memes, and messages throughout the day. Yet many people struggle to hold hands, hug, kiss, or show simple affection in person. Affection is not just about romance. It helps us feel connected, reassured, desired, and loved. Of course, there are boundaries when it comes to public displays of affection. But have we become so concerned with how we're perceived that we've lost some of the everyday ways humans connect with one another? What do you think? Should affection be expressed more openly, or is it something best kept private? What is your preference?

What if the problem isn't your relationship, it is s//sexual secrecy? It's S//x Education Month, and I can tell you that many couples come into my office thinking they're broken because of a fantasy, a kink, a s//xual preference, or a desire they don't understand. Partners often say things like, “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore” after learning about a long-standing fantasy their parter has had and have not told them. The truth is that their partner carrying shame, myths, and secrecy because of fear of being rejected, not because they didn’t want to share. My job as a couples s//x therapist is to normalize the difficulty partners have about sharing fantasies and sexual desires and help them not personalize it but have erotic compassion toward their partner who has been struggling with a shameful s//xual interest.