Anyone out there still chasing waterfalls? I feel like I haven’t heard from ya in a while #chasingwaterfalls

Pulls up next to a cop at a red light having done nothing wrong Me to me: do something to show your innocent like pretend to look your phone Lights flash Me to me: shit

It's so weird when people say dogs are humans too...Then we'd a be saying, 'hey wanna see a picture of my roommate?'

I wanna be rich enough to always get the lobster roll

It takes hours, hard work and perseverance to get where you need to be in life to be good at spinning your fidget spinner

Do dogs ever have trouble sleeping cause their stressed like "I got a big day tomorrow, gotta really make some progress on that bone"

The government needs a tax return tracker like the one @dominos has for pizza...

$1.00 - avocado $1.99 - loaf of bread $2.50 - dozen eggs $15.99 - avocado toast with an egg at a restaurant

I wonder what the baby from the hangover is up to these days...

My über driver just used a magnifying glass to look at his phone for directions...if I don't tweet again I'm dead, some call my mom

*goes to restaurants "there's too many food options" *cooks at home "there's no food options" *Has pasta at both

Running into a spiderweb...terrible. Running into a spiderweb with a beard...even worse

You know you're an adult when you're genuinely upset that @DowntonAbbey isn't filming anymore seasons

Saw some guy wearing sunglasses and it's raining *thought what an idiot *went back to driving...realized I'm wearing sunglasses

Don't lie, our whole generation learned to vacuum from Mrs. Doubtfire

LAX's cellphone waiting lot is called in n' out

Like how the fuck did I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas get famous...love it but also what??

Not gonna lie, about half the time I see road construction I think it could be some elaborate #oceans11 heist

*Cashier at supermarket: did you find everything ok? *In my head: fuck no cause you never have ripe avocados *Me: yes, thanks so much

Adult Harry Potter fan will never know the disappointment to turn 11 and not get a letter #HARRYPOTTER