What. The. Actual. Fuck. Are you actually sitting there telling me that, in 2024, a significant open source project is using fucking Autotools instead of something like Cmake? See, this is why I retired early from software engineering. Because for every new job I took, the same conversation would occur in slow motion over the course of a year or three. Foobar, Inc: Welcome aboard, Devon. We were really impressed by all the awesome super-smart stuff on your resume! Devon: Thanks, let's have a look at this codebase. {Sound of Devon throwing up a little in his mouth.} Devon: Pieces of this code appear to have been thrown together by howler monkeys over the course of a seven-day cocaine binge. Foobar, Inc: Oh, that would be Fred. Yeah, he's self-taught, and his code's a little unorthodox, but — Devon: He has clearly never taken a single computer science class in his life, and his code is a crime against god, art, and nature. Foobar, Inc: But he's just so fast. He got our whole version 1.0 written over just seven days! Devon: I totally believe that, and it's the reason why we need to — Foobar, Inc: Yeah, we wish more programmers were fast like him. Nowdays, everyone seems to take forever to do anything. Including Fred, for some reason. Weird. Devon: Have you ever heard of something called "technical debt"? When you write hasty code, you introduce bugs and accidental complexity. It's like borrowing time from future you. You have to pay it back, with interest. Foobar, Inc: What an interesting concept. You are clearly very smart. But we don't have time for you to be an abstract philosopher king, pontificating about theoretical concepts which obviously have no bearing on the real world. We have new features to write. That seems to happen so slowly nowdays for some unknown reason. Devon: It's because you are drowning in technical debt. Foobar, Inc: What an interesting abstract philosophical concept that has no bearing on our reality. You are clearly a really smart guy. But we can't test your theory, because the CEO expects 5,763 new features in next month's release, to fulfill promises he made to Important Partner Business, without consulting us at all. Devon: This tech debt needs to be paid down sometime. You can't just put it off. If you do, the interest will inflict itself on the timetable for every new feature you write. Has someone tried explaining the concept of tech debt to the CEO? Foobar, Inc: We can't do that. He's a boomer. Also, he has the power of a god, and the emotional stability of a single mother with a crack habit and an Onlyfans account. We find it easier to smile and present him with rosy scenarios, and then lay off a few scapegoats when we don't meet goals. If only we could understand why everything takes so long these days. Software engineers must be lazy. Not like Fred. Let's put Fred in charge of the whole department. Maybe he can shake things up. Devon: Hey, I spent a week re-architecting the BazTranslator component. It runs sixty-three times faster, and you can include new conversions by inheriting from this base class and overriding just these two virtual functions. Foobar, Inc: How DARE you, sir? You were supposed to be writing new features! This is why progress is so slow. You spent a whole week without adding any new functionality! Don't you understand we are in crisis, here? Devon: You are always in crisis. Have you tried reading this book of essays by Fredrick Brooks? Foobar, Inc: Get that thing out of my face. Why are you being so difficult? You should watch out. You're acquiring a reputation for being difficult to manage. You should tremble in fear now. Devon: I could have a new job with one phone call. I am trying to help you, you silly people. Foobar, Inc: Then stop being an abstract philosopher king and write features as fast as you can! Like Fred! Why can't you be more like Fred? Devon: Fred made a whole set of structs containing raw untyped pointers so he could reinvent polymorphism in C, because he "doesn't like C++". Foobar, Inc: Yes, isn't he clever? We love Fred! Devon: And segfaults, apparently. {Sound of major project hitting an iceberg, burning down, falling over, and then sinking into the swamp.} Foobar, Inc: Another project failed. Clearly, it's your fault, wasting time with all your weird philosophy and refactoring code. We're going to lay you off. Devon: I am actually relieved. Appros of nothing, does your family carry a lot of credit card debit? Foobar, Inc middle manager: Of course not! That stuff will kill you! Why do you ask? Devon: No reason. {Sound of Devon retiring from a high-paying engineering career and writing a science fiction novel in his bedroom for nine months.}