deezaleft

Me: Do you like gnocchi? Husband: Is that a rapper? #hesserious

And on the 15th day she realized she was no longer pregnant and had a glass of wine. And it was good. #wineoclock #yass

Go ahead and make fun of me for being an adult & playing Pokemon go... Are you getting paid double time while hatching eggs? #didntthinkso

Where the fuck do you buy clothes for a kid requesting "pastel goth" fashion? #teenagerssuck #iwaswaycoolerwheniwasyourage

I grit my teeth each time I read a post ending in "my cup runneth over". Just stop. Do you talk like that in real life? #youneedabiggercup

Had my first pumpkin spice latte.... Don't know what all the fuss is about. #guessitsawhitegirlthing

I feel like @jimmyjohns should sponsor my pregnancy #cantstopwontstop #damntheyretasty

Diabetes. Worst birthday present ever.

"Burping" a colostomy bag makes a part of me die inside. 😣💩 #myjobisgrosserthanyours

All I want is to float in a pool with a burrito & some plums. But I guess watching Chopped and eating a hot pocket will have to do.

Oh boy....

12 more hours till we find out what the verdict is... Looks like everyone is on team boy #hopeitsadinosaur

Just when you think you got the whole parenting thing down... The kid throws a curve ball. Kid-1 Parents-0

Planning all of this is killing me. Note to future self: Don't try & make everyone happy when it's supposed to be about me #weddingBS

His come back was, "YOU look like work pants!" Uh... What? #isthatallyougot

127 days 😬

How does one prepare for a 17 hour shift? I do it by throwing a tantrum after every step of getting ready. #tantrum8

Think I may have just begun my mini midlife crisis... Just chopped off my bangs & ordered T25 #FuckYou32

Found a bizarre commonality w/a coworker last night... While caring for a pt we learned that she had dated my ex husband. #smallworld