A heartbreaking waste of human capital
Washington, DC
Joined May 2010
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That’s a very nice stock market you have there. It’d be a shame if something happened to it.
Trump says the stock market will crash if he's impeached bloom.bg/2wnFijI
Timeline of Space Force
-Space Force
-Crushingly bad prequels to Space Force
-Long-awaited sequel to Space Force that is pretty much a copy of the original
-Another sequel to Space Force. Infuriates grown men who live in parents’ basements. Twitter becomes unusable for years.
Tesla Stock Jumps On Report That Elon Musk Has Secured Private Funding But You Don’t Know Them Because They Go To Another School
“Hope Hicks doesn’t feel safe? That poor woman.”
- Child recently freed from cage, searching for parents
EARLIER: The Bible tells us to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained the government for his purposes
NOW: When the law stops us, ignore the law xitter.cf/washingtonpost/status/…
Trump claims immigration laws are 'a mockery,' seeks to deprive migrants of due process by deporting them without trial wapo.st/2ImoQ7x
EXPECTATION: Bring North Korea’s nuclear program to its knees
REALITY: Bring the White House gift shop website to its knees
Other commemorative coins from Trump that are now on sale
-The “Repeal Obamacare” coin
-The “Won The Popular Vote” coin
-The “Has Tapes of Comey” coin
-The “Has An Extremely Credible Source That Obama’s Birth Certificate Is A Fraud” coin xitter.cf/christinawilkie/status…
Trump's #NorthKoreaSummit commemorative coin is now a "Deal of the Day" at the White House Gift Shop. h/t @typingelbow
1980 GOP: Anyone, from any corner of the world, can come to the United States and become an American
2016 GOP: An American with Mexican parents can’t be a fair judge
2018 GOP: An American with Chinese parents must be committing treason xitter.cf/AaronBlake/status/9890…
TRUMP: I’m having a terrible month
COHEN: Hold my beer
PRUITT: Hold my beer
MULVANEY: Hold my beer
TRUMP: At least my nominee to run the VA is avoiding controversy, right?
JACKSON: (*chugging Cohen’s, Pruitt’s, and Mulvaney’s beers*)
[Ten minutes later]
BREAKING: Trump nominates romaine lettuce to be Secretary of Agriculture xitter.cf/washingtonpost/status/…
Do not eat any kind of romaine lettuce, CDC warns washingtonpost.com/news/to-y…
If only we could’ve known that a guy who said he got more electoral votes than Obama, his inauguration had the largest turnout in history, Obama’s unemployment rate was 42%, and the 58-floor Trump Tower had 68 floors would lie to make himself look better washingtonpost.com/outlook/t…
GOP: We know enough about babies to regulate the female reproductive system
ALSO GOP: Diaper bags aren’t real. You made that up. xitter.cf/elisefoley/status/9869…
KUDLOW: Never believe the CBO. Instead, you should believe me, the guy who predicted slow growth before the longest expansion in history, denied the housing bubble in 2005, and recommended buying stocks on the eve of the Great Recession. xitter.cf/washingtonpost/status/…
Analysis: Trump’s top economic adviser: "Never believe the CBO … never believe them" wapo.st/2H7qr5e
Today, we honor the accomplishments of Paul Ryan in his mission to shrink the deficit, reduce government spending, and provide rigorous oversight of the executive branch
TRUMP: IS IT TRUE YOU CAN’T BE ARRESTED IF YOU COMMITTED A CRIME ON A WEDNESDAY
SPEAKER: Sir, this is a McDonalds drive thru
TRUMP: I WANT THE HAMBURGLAR TO BE THE ATTORNEY GENERAL xitter.cf/MikeScarcella/status/9…
'The president has been asking for legal advice ... from virtually any attorney who calls him up.' politico.com/story/2018/04/1…
GOD: What is this?
PERSON: The Ten Commandments
GOD: What does it say?
PERSON: Do not lie, steal, covet, or commit adultery
GOD: And what is Trump?
PERSON: Scandal free and clean
GOD (removes glasses, rubs bridge of nose): Okay, let’s try this again. But more slowly xitter.cf/hemantmehta/status/983…