Lives by the mantras that constraints breed creativity and don't know what you can't do. But, this is mostly my notes for a future comedy piece.
Washington, DC
Joined February 2009
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If I had been thinking ahead, I would have gotten a tattoo on my stomach in my younger (aka skinnier) years. In extremely small text, it would say, "If you can read this, tell me I need to put my shirt back on."
I received a happy birthday message from one of my doctors. Took me a minute until I realized they addressed it to my insurance company. I guess they know who pays the bills.
When is the plastic utensil industry going to figure out that we don't need an even number of forks, knives, and spoons when we buy a multipack? Or am I the only one who has a ton of extra plastic knives all the time?
We ordered Taco Bell tonight. My wife didn’t ask for any sauces, but for some reason they threw in some extras. Apparently every sauce packet they still had at the restaurant.
Parents: No, you can’t have cake for breakfast.
Parents: Sure, you can have a donut. (A deep fried cake)
I saw a lot of 6-7 costumes, and they were all worn by adults. When the adults have taken over the kids’ joke, it has gone cold.
Our grocery store triages people for self-checkout by asking, "Cash or card." I said, "Check." Threw her off her game. I am positive that the Venn diagram of people who use self-checkout and those who pay with a check has zero overlap between the two groups.
You need to learn long division as a kid so that you can then relearn it to teach your kids long division.
If I exercise and am overweight, isn't that the same as exercising with a weighted vest? #askingforafriend
With all that is happening in the world, is Cracker Barrel's rebranding where you want to spend your passion and outrage?
12-year-old: "Dad, she has this phone that you can only get music that you have to pay $1/song for. $1 for every song! That is crazy!!"
My, how times have changed.
You know what is deflating? Having your Apple watch tell you that you didn't meet your stand goal. Could there be a simpler fitness goal to achieve?
Seen in large letters on a package of nutritional supplements, “Now with 90% less plastic.” Ah… don’t you want 100% less plastic?!?
If you find yourself buying cologne from a gas station bathroom vending machine, do not do whatever drove you to want to buy it.
I will never understand why builders place large windows right next to toilets. I like natural light as much as anyone, but there are some places that the sun and moon shouldn't shine.