I'm in the market for a banjolele. Any recommendations? @gentlemanrhymer

Totally forgot I had a Twitter. Look out world, more bad puns and robot thoughts are coming your way.

Tweets from a carrot: Day 900 - still pretty dark down here... I think Bob was eaten by a rabbit... Have proclaimed myself God to the microbes, but they refuse to worship. Must smite.

Bear with me, but I think we Otter von Moose.

Another toddler-inspired poem: "Life is fleeting, like this banana. Oh, I wish I could lie all day in a cabana, instead of working - I don't wanna. What's that smell? Dolce and Gabbana?"

"Like pulling teeth from a glacier trapped in molasses."

My Captain Planet villain name: Glutyn S. Beezwaks

Everything sounds more acceptable with an adjective: "Brewer's yeast," "Medicinal marijuana," "Nutritional opiates."

Failed beef association motto from when they tried to steal one from a candy company: "Taste the cow"

There's an awesome new robot on the market: mistyrobotics.refr.cc/dangro…

You did it again @FlyFrontier , delivered my bag to the wrong baggage claim conveyor.

Baby W.K. #partypartyparty instagram.com/p/BfBTd6RHCK4c…

The @TeslaMotors logo looks like a cat's nose, no?

My wife just suggested that a baby heater could double as a rotisserie.

I'd like to thank @Hertz and @FlyFrontier for making today's travel a truly atrocious experience.

Lepercorn: leprechaun / unicorn hybrid, or unicorn with leprosy?

First @Terminix and now @RotoRooter , apparently showing up on time, or at all, is no longer a thing?

I want a little emoji of Kant. That is to say, an emotikant.

Fon-do and fon-dont are both delicious. How cool is that? #Fondue #Fondant

Thinking about it, walruses are really the moose of the sea.