@cydbeer

My tweets get around but I do not. Humorist. https://xitter.cf/t.co/SBV0jEeg2R

 Salt Lake City, UT
Joined October 2017
  • Tweets6.2K
  • Following5.4K
  • Followers12.5K
200Media
Husband “I thought you were dieting?” Me “I am” Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos” Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”
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A local church near by our home has a long line of cars wrapped around the building waiting to drop off food donations early on a Saturday morning. There are still good people doing good things in this world.
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I just saw a man wearing his new Kirkland Signature casual button up shirt out the store door. He had the collar popped before the receipt was checked. Ultimate Dad moves are proven to improve your mood.
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When you dress up as a clown to go to your kid’s school Halloween party but when you get there he asks why you didn’t dress up. 🤡
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While my son was on a backpacking trip he had a dream I died. We happened to buy a Lego set while he was away. When he walked in he thought his nightmare was real. He thought the Lego set was a gift to ease the pain. “Son your mom is dead but check out this RollerCoaster.”
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It’s been incredible insight to see what our teen thinks of our communication style. 😆
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Me: Today is going to be a great day! 7yr old: Today it’d be nice if you kept those kind of thoughts in your own head.
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My Ad algorithm went from Skin Care to Tums to Divorce Lawyers Near You so fast.
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7yo: I'm going to trust you even though I remembered the story that you stole something when you were 6. Me: Have you ever stolen anything? 7yo: I would never! But I am ok with sneaking something in the cart then you pay for it.
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Me: Hey listen to this I think I have a funny idea for a tweet. 13yr old: Eh. That's Mid. But you have to watch this amazing video. This guy eats water with chopsticks.
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Me: Would you like an apple? 13 yr: No thanks. Actually, you know what?! Screw the doctor. I will take that apple.
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Whenever my husband is feeling stressed because he has something difficult to deal with at work I sit back in amazement thinking about how selflessly and freely I've provided him with real life practice in dealing with difficult things.
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My 7 yo just loudly asked if I could please stop calling her the "B Word" because it hurts her feelings. The B Word ? Beautiful. She prefers the 4 letter C word. Cute.
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Me: Did you know talking to yourself may indicate a higher level of intelligence? Me: I did know that.
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I took my daughter roller blading for the first day of spring break. She had a look of awe and wonder as we took off together then exclaimed “I can not believe it! I truly thought you’d be too old for this!” She is a believer of the impossible now.
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“Oh no! I wore my sparkle high heel shoes! It’s not meant for this wilderness.” my 5 year old exclaimed as she trekked through the paved parking lot towards a concrete sidewalk.
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One morning you’ll wake up and as you apply another round of your anti-aging eye cream for sensitive skin you’ll realize your fear of dying young is no longer relevant.
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Me: We have to leave. Are you guys ready? Kids: Yes. Me: Dressed for school? Kids: No. Me: Shoes on? Kids: No. Me: Lunch in backpack? Kids: No. Me: Other than that you are ready? Kids: Yes!
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8yo: This is kind of weird but sometimes I think everyone but me is a robot. Me *rushes him to pantry, slams door, whispers* Don’t say that outloud again! They are listening. If you want to survive your first mission is to keep your room clean. 8yo: Why are you this way?
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Let’s normalize telling someone when they are asking too many personal questions because I have no idea when to stop and would really appreciate it if someone just told me.
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Me: nice to meet you what was your childhood trauma ?
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