@countcol

Ex cop. Post humour, art and good stuff. My tweets may not be totally original, I follow all views without endorsement. LCFC.

 East Midlands, England
Joined June 2012
  • Tweets11K
  • Following17.2K
  • Followers21K
2.6KMedia
My smoke detector protects me from fire, carbon monoxide and toast.
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My latest cartoon for tomorrow's @Telegraph Buy a print of my cartoons at telegraph.co.uk/mattprints Original artwork from chrisbeetles.com
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“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'” Sydney J. Harris
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A decision so bad, even alcohol tries to talk you out of it.....
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If you want someone who never touches the remote, doesn't care about football and sits quietly while you drink beer. Get a dog.
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Just complained that a drone was visible on the screen of a film I was watching on TV. Turned out it was a fly on my TV.
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Replying to @countcol
On the other hand, U2 said… If you wanna kiss the sky better learn how to kneel.
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Things you'd like back for Christmas
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Replying to @countcol
Same
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Excuse me, while I kiss the sky. Jimi Hendrix
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I'm surprised that of all the things that "taste like chicken," eggs is not one of them.
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I'm actually so organised because I'm too lazy to have to look for things.
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She thinks her husband doesn't need to wish on his birthday cake candles. He has no need to wish for anything as all his dreams came true when he married her.
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Replying to @countcol
Hehe boopers get scritches
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Replying to @countcol
Unfortunately yes 😞
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For anyone holding it together by absolutely nothing. 🎈

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Among his many talents, my grandfather was brilliant at shadow puppets. He could turn his hand to anything.
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"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." The Beatles
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The Zoo is a safe place to Fart.
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Is being hated by idiots the price you pay for not being one of them?
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