I’m $ALLINU. I need you to understand the severity of this condition. When the doctor delivered me, he said “push” and I shoved every chip in the maternity ward into the middle of the table. I was born with conviction. My first word was “more.” My second word was “again.” My parents tried to teach me how to walk and I asked where we were going and whether we could get there faster. People ask me “how all in are you?” Brother, I have to zoom out to see the back of my chips. The dealer has filed a workplace safety complaint. There are forklifts involved. A man in a reflective vest is directing traffic around my conviction. My friends say “come out for one drink” and I’m already negotiating the karaoke room until sunrise. Someone says “we should start a business” and I’ve registered the domain before they finish the sentence. My girlfriend says “can you taste this?” and I’m holding an empty plate explaining that I needed a larger sample size. I arrive at the buffet with a strategy. The buffet manager recognizes me. We have history. That’s ALLINU. I watched one motivational video and rearranged my entire existence. I did one push-up and checked the mirror. I bought running shoes and immediately began referring to myself as an athlete. I said “I’ll look into it” and resurfaced at 4 a.m. with seventeen tabs open, a spreadsheet, and an opinion so strong it has become a problem for everyone around me. There is a small dog inside my soul wearing sunglasses at a poker table. Nobody knows how he got into the casino. Nobody has checked his ID. He has been asked to leave six times and has responded by pushing his chips forward a seventh. That dog is me. My risk tolerance questionnaire came back with a handwritten note asking if I was taking the exercise seriously. I was. I brought my own pen. I clicked “strongly agree” so hard the survey offered me a management position. “Have you considered the alternatives?” Yes. I considered being even more ALLINU. “What’s your five-year plan?” Same dog. Bigger table. “What if things don’t go according to plan?” Then there will be lore. I understand the consequences of my personality. Every casual interest becomes a side quest. Every side quest becomes the main storyline. Someone mentions a hobby near me and three days later I own the equipment and have developed a bitter rivalry with a man on YouTube who doesn’t know I exist. When life asks “are you sure?” I tick the box that says don’t ask me again. Because somewhere inside every degen is that same ridiculous little dog. The one who sees a chance and starts moving the chips. The one who hears “imagine if” and immediately begins imagining. The one who showed up for a quick look and somehow became emotionally invested in the entire plot. the inu is all of us and we are all inu.