@coolauntV

writer, comedian, tagalong • original content

 Seattle, WA
bsky.app/profile/coolauntv.bsky.social
Joined September 2009
  • Tweets17.9K
  • Following991
  • Followers10.9K
1.2KMedia
are duolingo employees ok?
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I’m saving myself for someone who understands when I’m telling a joke. Closest I’ve gotten is like 60:40
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Told buddy that Birkenstocks were too flashy for me and they took me at my word. I’m gonna die alone
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ending my cover letter with “if you even care”
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Brie Monger@ThisStupidTwinkSep 25
there should be nude beaches but for the woods. nude woods.
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lily@lil_mermaidSep 23
it's always so funny when people are trying to sell their used couch for $1500 on fb marketplace. a couch on fb marketplace costs $200. they're always like "i paid $4000 for this couch." not my problem man. should have bought it on fb marketplace, where a couch costs $200
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Our records indicate you haven’t suffered enough to refill this medication.
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I love using the phrase "vice versa". Fuck you. I'm not saying all that again in reverse. Big shoutout to etcetera too. What am I, the listing things fairy? Use your imagination.
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went to look up one (1) person’s name in a childhood yearbook so naturally I am sitting crisscross applesauce on my attic floor wearing my old girl scout sash and listening to a cassette tape labeled “Vanessa’s radio station” that is actually just a week’s worth of recorded farts
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David Attenborough: “Sleeping at night is unusual among mammals. More than 2/3rds of all mammals only become active after the sun has set” Me hearing this at 2am: hell yeah brother
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I’m not the ‘misses social cues’ kind of autistic. I’m the ‘detects every social cue, every micro-expression, the tension in the room, the power dynamics, and a mysterious third layer of vibes so I end up buffering like an overloaded laptop because I’m trying to work out which reality everyone else is operating in’ kind of autistic.
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Lake Eater@lakeeaterAug 27
saw the phrase "burnt toast" and rearranged it to "turnt boast" and spent the rest of the day thinking about that and not much else. Because of my lack of merit and the problems with my heart/spirit
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✨V✨@coolauntV5 May 2022
thinking about the time I found a box in my parents’ basement that was full of wigs and sunglasses and hats and stuff and when I asked my mom about it she was just like “sometimes you need to do surveillance” and refused to elaborate
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You’re a DJ and you don’t have a smoke machine? Fine I’ll do it
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jon drake@DrakeGatsbyAug 5
Ragebaiting is over. It’s passé. We’re into joybaiting now. Saying and doing things just to delight you and make your day
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Eden Dranger
@Eden_EatsAug 6
Signs you have ADHD: - you have +15 tabs open -you have +300 unread emails -TV shows that don’t get good until 3 episodes in are unwatchable -there’s more stuff but I’m sick of this tweet already and wanna go do something else
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My 4-year/old just learned about the concept of infinity and is now throwing a tantrum over it. “It’s weird! I don’t like it. I just want numbers to stop!”
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My Oppositional Defiant Disorder got me eating so many salads right now
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countering my neighbors Don’t Tread On Me flag with a flag that says Don’t Tread On Anyone
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How about an outbreak of explosive critical thinking
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jon drake@DrakeGatsbyJul 19
When ordering from a Taylor Farms-affiliated business, ask for your produce “without the poop.” That way they know to give you the produce without any poop in it
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