been wearing this operation ivy shirt so long now it’s a rancid shirt

My friend Mara js the world’s leading cherry expert. What I’m saying is, Mara she know cherries

Before mirrors existed people thought the guy doing the lettering on the front of ambulances was crazy. Just wait he said. You’ll see

*Controversial episode of Bojack with hack comedian guest star* Shane Gillfish: Women at the gym dress like horse

Kelly Clarkson? What’s next, Clark Kellydaughter?

They should make a prequel to The Butterfly Effect called The Caterpillar Effect

Thanksgiving was brutal. Someone put the iceberg lettuce in front of the gravy boat and we had a titanic situation

Making a lullaby album covering songs by Genesis, Rush, Yes, King Crimson, and Pink Floyd. It’s a work in prog rest

Screaming at my mom because her lasagna made me aggressively shit myself at work. “But honey, you’re not supposed to eat an entire tray of lasagna for lunch. With a large chocolate milkshake, a jar of dill pickles, and several ice cold beers.” Oh great, now we’re victim blaming

Satan: tell me a played out expression Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Is it too thousand and late to say I’m on fleek? Not to yeet my own horn

AI Artist: I always knew I wanted to be an artist as soon as it became an effortless task that requires no skill or dedication

Canadian roast battle where the crowd is just chanting SORRY! SORRY! SORRY! SORRY!

If someone tells you they don’t poop, they’re full of shit

the edgelord act is mainstream now, so being a silly goose is way more punk rock

Death by hammer squad is when only one of 10 executioners has a real hammer, and the other 9 have floppy rubber prop hammers. That way no one knows who struck the death blow, and everyone can go home with a clean conscience

Sometimes death by firing squad is when most of the shooters have blanks, and then one has real ammo. That way nobody knows who fired the kill shot, and no individual has to carry the guilt of taking a life. Another way to achieve this is to not murder people