Martin Bicknell

A day in the life of an English man. Picture this, you’re in london, it costs more than you earn to live here, you slowly accumulate debt, you cant afford a holiday so you just use drugs to escape. The weathers shit & the people that live here hate each other with a passion but you cant afford to leave. You wake up one morning to you find out your tax is going up after ulez, the cost of living crisis, energy prices & interest rates have eat the last bit of spending money that was left from your monthly wage. While you’re sat on the toilet reading tweets from the metropolitan police about online trolls a swat team smashes through the bathroom window, past you on the shitter & arrests your 11 year old son for shouting at a police officer. Your sister rings you (she recently got fired from her job as a doctor for refusing to ask biological men if they are pregnant) & tells you grandma just froze to death because Keir Starmer gave her winter allowance to country on the other side of the planet that’s wealthy then us to help them with climate change. It all gets a bit much so you go for a pint and try to relax by smoking a cigarette in the beer garden & find out its illegal & get barred. So you decide to go for a walk to clear your mind & get violently stabbed to death. The Guardian then plasters your face all over the news for randomly jumping on a perfectly good knife 54 times that was held by a choir boy. Your sister tweets about it & gets nicked. Your son comes out of prison & protests about it, but this time he shouts at a police horse, gets nicked but the prisons are too full, so they let out Ian Huntley to put him in back in. Mad thing is, that don’t even sound far fetched now does it, its now all a perfectly believable turn of events 😂