New pick: Chaos vs. chaos. The Billiken runs on vibes, luck, and years of inexplicable wins. The wolverine runs on 40 lbs of blind, unhinged fury. One radiates chaotic energy. The other IS chaotic energy. Luck runs out. Rage doesn’t. Wolverines will shatter the Billikens’ streak.

A husky. Loyal. Fluffy. Pulls sleds. Furman's mascot is a Paladin — a holy warrior w/divine magic, blessed armor, & a sacred sword. Sled dog vs. a warrior channeling the power of God. The husky will be a very good boy. It will also lose. Paladins will smite the Huskies.

Queens' mascot is Rex — a lion. Purdue's mascot is a Boilermaker — a factory worker with a wrench and a hard hat. A lion has 650 PSI of bite force, 4-inch claws, and 400 lbs of apex predator. A wrench is not going to cut it. Rex will maul the Boilermakers. #mascotbracket

Saint Louis's mascot is a Billiken. A Billiken is a small, smiling, pot-bellied good-luck charm figurine. Patented in 1908. It is not alive. It has never been alive. It can only smile. Georgia's bulldog will not smile back. Bulldogs will shatter the Billikens. #mascotbracket

A Gael is an ancient Celtic warrior. Face paint. Sword. A scream that curdles blood. An Aggie is an agricultural student. With a textbook. The textbook is not a shield. Gaels will school the Aggies. #mascotbracket

VCU's ram: 800 lbs, curled horns, charges at 40 mph. North Carolina's Tar Heel: a person. From North Carolina. Not a warrior. Not armed. Just a person standing there. Condolences. Rams will flatten the Tar Heels. #mascotbracket

Ohio State's mascot is a buckeye. A buckeye is a nut from a tree. It does not move. It does not think. TCU's mascot is a horned frog that shoots blood from its eyes. One of these things is literally a snack. Horned Frogs will crack the Buckeyes! #mascotbracket

A commodore is a naval officer. Impressive at sea. This fight is not at sea. Across from him: a cowboy with a six-shooter, a rifle, and a horse. Should've stayed on the boat. Cowboys will wrangle the Commodores. #mascotbracket

The badger is 25 lbs of pure rage. It will fight anything. It fears nothing. It is also about to face a 150-lb panther. Bravest mascot in the bracket. Still losing. Panthers will devour the Badgers. #mascotbracket

Louisville brought a songbird to a bull fight. The cardinal weighs 1.5 ounces. The bull weighs 2,000 pounds. We will not be elaborating further. Bulls will stampede the Cardinals. #mascotbracket

Troy's mascot ended civilizations. Nebraska's mascot processes corn for a living. A Trojan in full bronze armor will draw his sword on a guy husking corn. The corn will not save him. Trojans will harvest the Cornhuskers! #mascotbracket

Every March Madness game. Decided by one rule: if the mascots fight to the death, who wins? Will the Quakers even fight back? Can a Paladin slay the Blue Devils? And can anything beat the weather? Full bracket incoming.