If it wasn't for @Snapchat I would've never got into sending selfies from the toilet. Thank you #Snapchat

I was just reminded what it felt like to have a fresh start. Thank you @squattypotty

I would officially like to resign all birthdays going forward and replace them with bachelor parties. #Friday #party

You know there's a young kid manning the oldies radio station when they play "Come Together" by @Aerosmith #aerosmith #thebeatles

It's not a coincidence that the words "fiancé" and "finance" are so close. #wedding #summer

If I was born a rental shoe I'd study real hard to make sure I had a career in weddings and avoid the bowling alley like Uncle Dropout.

The only profession that dawns more headsets than military special ops teams are @redrobinburgers employees. #hardcore #military #burgers

What's more therapeutic, puppies or blowjobs? #medicine

I would've been very appreciative if my high school gf's clitoris had an approach alarm.

"Can't punch an 8 year old...well I guess you can, but you gotta make sure no one will know" hahaha line of the week by @hdfatty

Sometimes I leave in the autocorrect word because it's flapjacks.

Blowjobs #MakeLifeBetterInAWord

Recycle #MakeLifeBetterInAWord

Only 4 days till Friday. #mondaymotivation

That hangover wasn't so bad. #mondaymotivation

You should pull out. #FourWordsToLiveBy

Don't forget your keys. #FourWordsToLiveBy

Pick your nose #TricksForAvoidingSmallTalk

Lick your lips like @llcoolj #TricksForAvoidingSmallTalk

"I have to poo." #TricksForAvoidingSmallTalk