my hymen is the firmest handshake you'll ever have.

when waterbeds are a good idea: 1. Never 2. Questionable Sex Parties

Fall provides the perfect weather to dig your own grave. Spice it up. Dress your lover like a chain gang warden to yell at you while you dig.

Wrap it up ladies- there’s no fucking white guys after Labor Day.

I hope my friends never speak of me as someone who would have your back in a bar fight. I don't know you, I don't know what bar this fight is in, and I like to stick to my strengths of gawking and mouthing "this is crazy".

The third rule of Fight Club is everybody bring a snack.

You can lead a horse to Jagermeister but you can’t make it throw up when it’s wasted.

Whenever a cop flirts with me I flirt back and ask if he could get me taken off of the sex offender registry.

If you don’t know the answer to something just say “I’d rather die.” and walk away.

We need a “National Gun” like a hole in the head- which many people will probably get from our national Gun.

From their manifesto as reasons incels are transitioning: 14. people will treat you better if they think you are female. 15. less likely to get killed llllooooooooolllllzzzz unherd.com/thepost/why-are-i…

Isaac was live streaming his godfather’s funeral. He then decided he needed to go to it and left in a T-shirt and shorts. Showing up late to a catholic funeral, dressed in a T-Shirt and shorts.

My bf and I are spending this Christmas in a Cold War with his family. I just wrapped a bunch of gifts I won’t be there to see them open. 😕

🤣🤣🤣 DEAD.