Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside *45 minutes later* She's still keeping pace. It's inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I'm begging her to stop but she can't hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

World reknown super chef @sxckiki takes a break from Swingin Dick’s Big Fat Hog Kitchen to tell us about his top spots to nosh hot peng grubber. WICKED! #TopGrub #Food #Inheritance

I like to eat chicken with skin on. If I didn't have any skin on I'd be too busy screaming in pain to eat much of anything

When god closes a door, he opens a window, to help with the air flow, because heaven has damp from all the clouds

Undertaker? I hardly Genoa

Didn't realise my dad knew about fesshole

If you took Cole Palmer's nose he'd get upset and ask for it back

I fully recommend being shit at football. There's so much less pressure. I play 7 a-side every week and never improve. Must have given the ball away 20 times today. A mate shouted at me to stop backheeling it to no one and I just laughed. Same again next week, can't wait

The real Gary Barlow's massive son is the friends we've made along the way

Feels like such a strange time to be doing stand up comedy, but the show must go on!

I'm seeing a ridiculous amount of jokes about Gary Barlow's massive son, and I just want to thank everyone, I'm really enjoying them, he's such a big boy isn't he

I'm trying to get a Swiss former Arsenal player to post me a figurine of my least favourite character from Friends Philippe Senderos? I sure hope he will!

Last time I was in America I took a greyhound from New York to Boston Lovely dog, hope he got back ok

Returned from holiday on Wednesday so I've been waiting for the clocks to go back before I change the time on my watch To my mind this saves me having to do it twice, but I feel like the bad is outweighing the good because I have to do so much maths when I want to know the time