adamlamar

On one hand, I know pecan pie isn't a breakfast food, but on the other, it's already 12pm.

The adage used to be, "if she smokes, she pokes." Now it's, "If she sent you a friend request, she got an OnlyFans page."

"Swipe right if you're looking for someone who's completely unique," she typed, filling in the space underneath her Knockoff Kardashian profile picture.

Monster land on Hulu owes me 2 hours.

I'm finna trigger a whole generation's childhood trauma. @Teespring: tspr.ng/c/safety-artax

Me: I'll take Double Entendres for $500. Alex Trebek: This Joy Division song is also the source of the faint seawater smell in your sock drawer. Me: What is Dead Souls?

I can't think of a better way for @ChrisDemarais to commemorate his PastaPass.

I be on Tinder like: "Who's tryna get murdered?, ... I mean CUDDLED! Who's tryna get cuddled? Damn autocorrect."

Everyone, but me is working remotely today. Why yes, I will be dressed like the comic book store guy from The Simpsons. #mybodymychoice

Me: Maybe I should ration some of this food. Also Me: **eats a whole apple pie**

I took an 8ball to the strip club and them hoes said, "come back with some toilet paper."

Just scored a killer deal on some used lollipops from China. #blessed

Suicidal Tendencies was just Limp Bizkit before there was a Limp Bizkit.

What the hell is an "alternative comic?" do yall just do Pearl Jam jokes?... What's everyone except Jeffrey Epstein's favorite song? "I... Whoa... I'm still alive..."

If you play @OrangeAmps you won't get the Corona Virus. 120 watts of Vitamin C a day keeps the doctor away.

Yall ever been so fat that you pinch the inside of your upper lip between your straw and your tooth? Nope, just me? OK then.

Today I Learned: Nebula from Gaurdians of the Galaxy was not Rachael Leigh Cook.

"Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on. Livin' like a lover with a red iPhone." Def Leppard are time travelers.

WOW, 2016! you know how you say stuff like, "I have a Twitter account but I don't check it that often?" #timeflies

FUUUUUUZZZZZZZZ!!!. Win a Cicada Fuzz V2 from Fuzzrocious & 5 sets of handmade, custom Stringjoy guitar strings. sociali.io/ref/y3349708