FRIEND: hey how are you? ME: I’m as happy as a clam [CUT TO] CLAM: *being cracked in half to make some mermaid’s bra* fukkkk yeeeeaaaahhhhhh BOOBS

running into your old statistics professor be like “what are the chances”

who called it a food offering and not a snackrifice

GIFT HORSE: … DENTIST: …

meet the elite couples breeding to save mankind

VAMPIRE: can I come inside GIRL: i’m not on birth control

while you were huffing and puffing and blowing the house down i was deceiving a little girl into trusting in me as a beloved family member. we are not the same

inside of you are two wolves. they love each other very much. now they have puppies! inside of you are, like, five wolves!!!

call me curious george the way i be upside down jacking on my johnson

ME: god I love how you feel inside me SURGEON: why is she awake

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes. “D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H T O S H A R E”

started being conscious of what I eat and decided to limit myself to one snack a day

John. Jacob. Jingleheimer. Schmidt. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony—

SAILOR: aye, we’d better be careful. Davy Jones loves swallowing seamen. DAVY JONES: *rising from his watery grave* can you please say it ANY other way

[The Odyssey except everyone is a dog] SIRENS: awOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOooooOOOOoooo ODYSSEUS: *furiously tugging on leash* aawwwOOOOOooooooo

therapist: *holding a gun to my head* SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT YOURSELF me: *reaching for the trigger* JUST DO IT

Hot tip for dog owners: Be on the lookout for "whale eyes." If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER