My grandma got pulled over on our way back from ice cream and when the cop asked if she was under the influence of any drugs or alcohol she answered “just ice cream”

frog and toad walked so ilya and shane could run

i think ilya earnestly loves any movie with the minions in it

“getting back out there” as existential torture

having a teenage little sister is so fun, she’s currently texting me the lyrics of boom clap and calling me a millennial (derogatory)

everyday i must be humbled by the truth

it should be a crime to decide to do a PhD at 23 (citing myself as evidence)

is this something

my drug of choice is when my cat emerges from the window sill to let me pet her sun-warmed fur

tariff this tariff that,,,,when is someone gonna tar-iff my pants

she be gherkin on my pickle till i dill

Co-workers telling me to use AI for strongly worded emails. Baby I’m already a bitch, the little robot’s not gonna help me.

Every photo of Demi Moore’s dog Pilaf fills me with a sense of joy and whimsy I have not experienced since childhood

Sometimes all you need is to see two emos in love walking down the street attached at the neck via leash to realize everything’s gonna be ok

Personally I think there’s a kind of poetic grace in being broken up with via voice memo two days before Valentine’s Day

Babygirl (brought to you by Big Milk)

I can no longer shoulder this burden alone….we have to talk about the rise of the phrase “buttery soft” being used to describe undergarments

Why is no one talking about the yassification of J Kenji López-Alt

Mama we made it (to the part of the internet a butch lesbian shears a sheep named Quinoa)