[u get brutally murdered and the killer is never found] somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: [turning it off] this is fucking boring

[first date] her: i broke up with my last boyfriend because he was moving too fast sonic the hedgehog: [getting up] yeah ok. fuck this

one of the most embarrassing things that can ever happen to you is getting tagged in freeze tag and having to stand there completely still like a fucking idiot

me: [sees cop walking over] oh shit he's gonna find out we have drugs friend: just lie me: ok cop: do u guys have any drugs me: no we have a bomb

my grandpa to me: the vietnam war me: grandpa shut the fuck up man [60 years later] me to my grandson: the NFT war my grandson: grandpa shut the fuck up man

therapist: how do u feel katy perry: like..... a plastic bag therapist: katy perry: therapist: what

doctor: u have a rare disease that causes extreme confusion me: what?

politician: i'd like to open the floor for questions. please only ask if its important lady: what do u have to say ab- me shoving her out of the way: do- [out of breath] do the transformers need life or car insurance

mysterious guy: to find your destiny you must ascend the mountain and speak to the man who stares at the sun me: ok [after climbing the mountain] me: what is my destiny man who stares at the sun: i can't see. i can't fuckin see anything

hanging out with spiderman and when u glance away he's nowhere to be found... later that night u wake up and he's crawling around in your bed, headed directly for your mouth

[spider-man running away scared] me wearing a giant pair of shoes: that's right

[bringing date back to my place] me: this is my treehouse her: this is just a regular tree me: *struggling to climbing up* yeah but i live in it

[laying down looking up at the stars] her: don't you feel small me: *defensively* 5 inches is average size

starbucks barista: ok coming right up jason derulo: don't u need my name barista: no please not agai- jason derulo: 𝓳𝓪𝓼𝓸𝓷 𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓾𝓵𝓸

alvin “and” the chipmunks implies that alvin himself is not a chipmunk... what is he

doctor: [placing hand on my shoulder] im so sorry for ur loss me: wh-what are u saying doctor: of hearing me: what

cop: do u know why i pulled u over me: *nodding* i was watching ratatouille cop: *nods* scoot over

oh that's your girl??? lmaooo then why did she just give me her number and insurance information after i hit her car in the chili's parking lot

waiter: would u like a to go box date: sur- me, wearing cargo shorts: we don’t need one

friend: she likes guys who have class me: ok [later on date] her: what do u do me: *getting up* i have to go i have calculus