Remember I don’t care how drunk you are. Mistletoe is only for second cousins and beyond. Be safe this Christmas.

Does anyone know a movie theater that’s still showing the Minecraft movie? I haven’t done the chicken jockey thing yet.

Is Pilates for girls? What pick up basketball is for guys?

I want to start a bagel company in New York called North Yeast.

I have a niche pet peeve. Couples who cheat and help each other in board games.

Pretty cool it’s the dead of winter and I still have time to get my summer body.

Ladies PSA: please make sure to wish your actual father a happy Father’s Day… not just me

I saved a life today… gave the heimlich. I’m just embarrassed to tell the story because it was at a Buca di Beppo‘s.

Guy next to me on my flight just texted someone “I’m douched and dangerous”

You’ll be getting ice cream with your mom then she’ll randomly hit you with “my second cousin’s friend got hit by a car” and just torpedo the day.

I would have went to the NBA if I didn’t tear my acl… and was good at basketball

Gotta throw some dust on my boots I bought for stagecoach so it looks like I’ve actually lived this life

London is just cursive New York.

Should you get charged less if your uber driver is using self driving?

I think a good reflection of human nature is, despite the odds, all of us still have hope of having a perfect bracket. #MarchMadness