The Wizards Tankard

Daily reminder that bigots are not tolerated on this Twitter account. I will not be liking the racist stuff I see on here #endrasism

When the dungeon is too hard Paladin: Ugh, this dungeon is so hard DM: What's that pussy??? Rogue: the rolls are impossible! Bard: And there's nothing to fuck! DM: Bwa hah hah. That what happens when im actually Bowser!! The whole damn party: Oh shit! Its bowser! #Dnd #mario

When the DM had a rotten meal for the pre game lunch DM: Burpppp Ranger: My god what is that odor DM: Ughh, *pthbbbbt* Sorca: Oh god hes shitting his pants DM: (Groans) Role initiative! Rogue: OK, we are leaving DM: You bastards never support me #DND

When your dumbass players beg you for items DM: OK, its a room with two doors, and one door... Druid: Can i has item DM: ... and the door... Artificer: Arty need item! Now! DM: ... can I finish??? Barabaran: I want a huge axe for free DM: OK you know what? That's it. #DnD

When the barbarian design his own backstory DM: So what is your toon doing Barb: Jacking off in a shack DM: So do you wnat to fight goblins or... Bargb: I am rolling some dice to see how nicely i stroke DM: Rubbing temples... sigh... Bargba: DM, what are the rules of cum?? #DND

When the horny bard roleplays his toon in real life! Bard's boss: Bard, your performance is slipping at work Bard: Rolling dice on the floor ------ NATURAL 20!! Boss: Bard, why are your clothes gone Bard: Time to sexually assault you! #sexualassaultawareness #awareness #dnd

When the DM forgets about consent rules... Dm: A fearsome minotaur attacks you! The rogue: I flee DM: wrong move dumbass, it crits you and you're knocked over. but im not done yet Rogue: gulp DM: That's right, the minotaur takes your ass. Your being used as a woman #DnD

When the wizard casts the wrong spell Wizard: fireball! DM: okay, the rogue turns into a shitheaded donkey Wizard: oops, this isn’t fireball Bard, having sexual with donkey: this is epic #dnd #bestialityrp

When the player doesn’t show up for game night DM: okay, your turn rogue Rogue: …. DM: ok you skip turn. The golems attach you for lethal Cleric: I heal the rogue DM: shut up dumbass. He skips turn and you lose power #dnd #Loser #Afk

When the wizard conjures up a sexual demon Wizard: behold, with this sexy devil we Can seduce BBEG The Paladin: um, wizard? Wizard: and then we can take his secret plans to the king Paladin: WIZARD!! Wizard: sighing Paladin: the bard has already fucked it! Wizard: damn it bard

When the DM is fed up with long rests Paladin: I roll out my bedroll and… DM: let me stop you right there dipshit Wizard: but we have 2 hit point! DM: shut your black ass up wizard. Roll for constitution, here comes the damage The Rogue who steals: o shit! #dnd

When the party only had one bone for a wep Players: I attach with 1 bone Dm: it hits but no damage ——3 hours later —-/ Dm: u guys suck at this game! Lol #dnd #Neurodiversity

When the bard has sex with a flesh mount Bard: ouggghhhh DM: Sigh #DnD #translove

When the party is nude DM: Does a 10 hit Party: Because of course it does. DM: Take 20 penis damage Party: Oof #dnd #naturism #nude #screaming #penisinjury #bolls #LiberateTelangana

When your dumbass party keeps insisting that celebs are a natural 20 Bard: Jaime Kennedy is a naturally 20 DM: No, its denied Bard: *rolls a naturally 20* DM: OK its thanos with two swords. roll initivie. Everyone else: God damn it bard #dNd #spikepissingmeof #unisex

When the party is trans sex workers Bard: help, I’m being prosecuted by a chud Paladin: I shall smite this cis chud Bard: Augh. The chud is saying I’m gendered Rogue: I will stab this facist Dm: Plus inspiration…. And roll intuitive! #sexworker #dungeonsanddragons #dnd

When the dm has horrible diahrea at the table DM: grunting Rogue: what’s the smell? DM: uhhh (farting and shitting) that’s a horrible undead zombie that smells bad. Roll initiative!!! Rogue: not this again!! #DnD #intestinalhealth #Gross #Disgusting #bathroom

I HATE THE BARD! HES TOO HORNY That is all. #DnD

When your entire group is nonbinary and neurodivergent Bard: Im stimming Wizard: I am high with estrogen levels (smart because woman) Barbara: Im raging (too much testoterone) DM: Its all acceptable to me. ALL RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS #dnd #Neurodivergent #AutismAwareness

Apologizing for my last tweet. I said an inesntive thing, and it pissed off the community hugely. I really showed my ass with that n word tweet and Ill be better #BLM #georgefloyd #ACAB #dnd

When The Horny Bard Pisses of the DM Bard: I seduce every single dragon DM: Roll it up! Bard; Natural... 20! DM: ((Says the N word in real life)) Bard: WTF #DnD